If working towards your business goals feels exhausting, this episode is for you. If you’ve been expecting results that you’re not even working for – it’s time for a reality check. I’m going to tell you how to figure out whether you’re doing this and what to do about it if you are.
If you’re a perfectionist and you’re building a business, you want to listen to this episode today.
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FULL EPISODE TRANSCRIPT
Introduction
This is the Perfectionism Project, the only podcast created specifically for perfectionists who are building businesses. I’m your host, Sam Laura Brown, perfectionism expert and entrepreneur. I teach perfectionists how to plan properly, consistently follow through and rest without guilt so they can build profitable and fulfilling businesses without burning out.
I’ve helped over a thousand perfectionist entrepreneurs do exactly that inside my program, Perfectionist Getting Shit Done. If you’re tired of procrastinating, overthinking and half finishing your ideas, you’re in the right place. Now, let’s dive in.
Sam Laura Brown (Custom Introduction)
Today I have a best of the podcast episode for you. So at this point, there are a lot of episodes on this podcast, and I want to make sure the best episodes don’t get lost in the archives. So today I’m sharing with you an episode that is well loved and also one that I am constantly referring to and linking people to.
And I want to make sure you can listen to it as well if you haven’t already. So without further ado, let’s get into the episode.
Sam Laura Brown
Hi, and welcome to episode one hundred and fifty four of the Perfectionism Project. My name is Sam Laura Brown, and I’m here to help you beat procrastination, overcome perfectionism, and become your best self. Today I have a bit of a reality check for you. I want to talk to you about whether you are expecting results that you are not actually working for. This is extremely common. I have definitely done it myself, but I really wanted to call this to your attention, especially if you feel like you’re in a never ending struggle towards your goals. You don’t know what else you need to do to achieve them. You really feel like you’re at your wit’s end and you don’t know what you should be doing differently.
So I was inspired to record this episode for you because in our perfectionists getting shit done. I have been seeing this come up a lot and also with my one on one coaching clients as well. What is happening is that I’m seeing our members and my clients say, I’m just so frustrated, I haven’t achieved this goal, or I feel like I’m doing everything or I just don’t know what to do differently. And I ask them, okay, tell me what you’ve been doing to actually work towards this goal. And often it is very, very little. And these people aren’t being disingenuous. They’re not lying because to them, it feels like they’re doing a lot.
The reason it feels like they’re doing a lot is because they’re spending so much mental energy around that goal. They’re feeling overwhelmed, they’re feeling stressed, they’re probably busy, they’re doing busy work. Or it could be that they’re procrastinating. And that is mentally exhausting too. And they’re constantly trying to get themselves to stop procrastinating. And it really feels like that is taking action towards the goal. But the reality is that in these situations, they’re expecting results that they aren’t actually working for.
And we do this all the time. Some examples would be if you maybe have just graduated from university or college, and you’re very disappointed that you didn’t get your dream job, and yet you only did three applications, you did a half assed job and you did it at the last minute. Or maybe you’re looking through Instagram and wishing that you were healthier and wishing that you treated your body better, or wishing that you were like someone else. And yet all of those results that you’re envying and that you’re spending all of this mental effort and energy envying.
And I’m not encouraging this, but I’m just saying, if you’re doing that and yet you’re not actually putting any effort into getting that kind of result, that’s such a good example of when you are expecting a result, you’re not actually working for. And a way you can tell this is you might be like, well, I’m not actually expecting to look that way. I’m just disappointed that I don’t. It’s the same thing. If you were disappointed, you don’t have a certain result. That means that you’re expecting that you should have it, that you have some kind of belief under there, that that should be yours.
So I really want you to have a think about whether you are expecting results that you’re not actually working for. And I think this is a very interesting conversation topic for perfectionists, because with perfectionism, we have this belief that I need to do more to be more. And that belief makes us overwork and hustle and grind and overthink and do all of these different things. And we feel like we’re putting so much energy into things and that for me to be like, hey, maybe you should actually be doing more is kind of crazy to suggest.
And I’ve talked about in other episodes, like how to rest Without Feeling guilty, how important it is to learn how to actually rest, and how to actually stop yourself from working for work’s sake and doing the busy work and, and filling all of your time with activity just to distract yourself from the fact that you don’t feel good enough. I’m not talking about doing more in terms of hours, or in terms of expending the energy and the effort. I’m also talking about just changing what you’re doing from something that isn’t working to something that is working.
So I’m not here to say you’re not working hard enough. You need to be working double the hours or whatever that is. I do not believe in that. But a lot of times perfectionists get really frustrated because they believe in their potential. They believe they’re smart and intelligent, and because of the overwhelming stress that they’re going through, they feel like they’re putting in a real solid effort towards achieving something, and then they feel dissatisfied and disappointed because they haven’t achieved that. Even though if you were to look at it from an outside perspective, there’s really no reason to believe they should have achieved that result.
And I want you to be thinking about if someone was to watch your life for a week, a typical week, would they know what goals you’re actually working towards? And if so, would they expect you have to be achieving results? Would they expect that you should have already been successful by now? If someone was to look at your life to watch you objectively, yes, they’re kind and loving and all of that, but they’re having an objective look at your life. Would they know what you actually want? Or are you engaging in a lot of action that contradicts your goals?
That is really the definition of self-sabotage. Doing something that’s in contradiction with what you want. And I know it’s so much easier said than done. Oh, just stop self-sabotaging. I have this whole podcast because of how challenging it is to stop self-sabotage. But I really want to call you out on this because a lot of times the reason we aren’t able to stop self-sabotage is because we don’t even realize that it’s going on. We think I’m doing everything I can. I’m working my butt off. I’m struggling so hard. Why am I not getting results?
The reason that you might not be getting results is because you aren’t actually really putting in as much effort as you believe you are. It’s got to be the right kind of effort, and Usually it doesn’t actually take that long to achieve what we want to achieve. If we’re willing to get uncomfortable, to do the scary things and to feel vulnerable. They’re all basically the same thing. If we are willing to experience those uncomfortable emotions, as well as feeling restless, which is how you will feel when you want to procrastinate, but you don’t actually let yourself do that.
It’s definitely how I feel when I am doing focused work or doing something, and I really want to be doing something else. I have this real restless feeling, and it’s so powerful to learn how to sit with that feeling and just let it be okay that it’s there. Instead of needing to answer that by distracting yourself or scrolling through Instagram. And of course, like everything I share on this podcast, I have had a lot of my own experience with all of this that I’m sharing with you, but I really just want to bring your awareness to this to really have a look at, am I expecting results that I am not working for.
I know, I know, it really can feel like you are actually working very hard for something, but really, just what’s hard is the struggle and the procrastination and all of the mental activity, the indecision, the overwhelm, the stress. And we mistake that for action. That’s actually going to get us towards our goals. So then I want to mention on this topic too is in terms of doing mindset work, because often we feel like we need to get our beliefs to be perfect before we can take action. And I’ll have members in our community saying this or one on one coaching clients saying this, that I just feel like there’s a belief that’s stopping me. Yeah, it’s going to be the case forever.
There’s always going to be a belief that is stopping you. If you’re constantly upleveling your life, there will always be those beliefs for us to overcome. It’s so important to do the personal development mindset work, constantly looking for a journaling exercise or an affirmation to make yourself feel better, to feel more comfortable doing the scary thing isn’t going to work. And it’s really important to recognize whether you’re placating yourself with these exercises, this mindset work to make yourself feel better so you can then go and do that uncomfortable thing. I want you to be thinking, if this is something that you’ve been doing about acting as if you already believe the thing you want to believe.
So when you find that you’re stopped, you’re in inaction. You’re not doing what you want to be doing. Instead of trying to believe the new thought that’s going to help you get there. I want you to think about what would someone who is doing what I want to be doing believe? What would they think about themselves? And really, if you can choose a belief that’s already accessible to you that’s already somewhat within your belief system, instead of believing or trying to believe something that’s completely different. Have a think about what they might believe, how they would think in that situation. Find a belief that you can relate to the most, or that feels the most within your grasp.
And then think about, okay, if I believed that, I don’t believe it yet. I’ve still got work to do and there will be time for that. But if I did believe that, what would I do in this situation? Then instead of doing the mindset work, you do that thing even though you don’t yet have that belief there, you act as if you believe it. You take that action And then you let that action produce a result. That will then be evidence for the new belief you’re trying to create. Because a lot of times what happens is that we believe something isn’t going to work. When we believe something won’t work, what do we do? We first of all have a feeling that doesn’t actually help us get anything done.
If we have a belief this isn’t going to work, that doesn’t make us feel motivated and inspired and determined and persistent and resilient. For most of us, that makes us feel deflated, discouraged. How do we act when we feel discouraged? We don’t do much. We don’t actually take any action. What’s the result of that? That it isn’t working? And then that creates more and more evidence for our story that we’re telling ourselves that it isn’t working. This is something you have to become really aware of.
I see this all the time in our community and with my one on one clients because I was like, I just don’t believe it’s going to work or it is working or that it’s possible. And when we unpack that and I go through it with them, they can see how believing that and acting in accordance with that has actually created the reality that it isn’t working. Often when we have that thought, this isn’t working, it feels like it’s an observation. But usually we have created that reality by believing it’s not going to work, or I’m not the type of person who could do that. We create the reality, reality where it’s not working, and then we use that as evidence to support our belief that it’s not working.
Then we feel even more discouraged. We take less action, then it still isn’t working, and it just continues on and on and on. So to break out of that, instead of being in perfect belief about yourself and the goal that you’re working towards. I really want you instead to have this approach of, okay, well, I’m going to act as if I believe that empowering belief that I want to have, even though I don’t yet believe it, and let that create some new evidence for you that you can then use to support the new beliefs that you want to create. It’s really important that we don’t think that, okay, I need to have all of my beliefs perfectly in order. I need another journaling exercise to get to the bottom of this.
I need another affirmation. I also want to really call this out to if I see this in our community, people saying, I just need to get to the bottom of where this thought came from. And while it can be helpful to see when we first had a belief, it often just keeps us stuck because we’re trying to dig through our past and figure out exactly where that came from and why we believed that thing so important. To recognize that your actions or lack of action isn’t coming from the past. It’s coming from the thoughts that you are thinking today. And some of those thoughts might be the same as the ones you had in the past.
Our brain loves thinking the same thoughts over and over again. Apparently ninety five percent of them are the same today as they were yesterday. So sure, it’s been in your past as well as your present, but it’s so empowering to recognize that your actions today come from your thoughts today. Yes, your brain might have really ingrained this certain belief and you have a really strong neural pathway for that belief, and your brain just goes there immediately without you even having to consciously think about it. But that doesn’t mean that you need to go digging around in your past, because then we’ll spend our whole life digging around and we won’t actually get to do anything and create anything.
So that’s been so helpful for me to recognize. I don’t need to know the root of this belief. I just need to learn how to actually create a new belief. And part of being able to create a new belief is letting it actually be okay that that belief is there. A lot of us make ourselves wrong for believing something, and it can be really challenging when you start getting more awareness around your thoughts, it can then be so easy to make yourself wrong for thinking a certain way. And it’s so interesting. I hear this a lot, this idea of, well, once I’m aware of self-sabotage or once I’m aware of a disempowering thought, I should be able to change it. Like I already know this.
So why am I still doing it? Like I should be able to stop myself, but I can’t know. Your brain is designed to be habitual so it can save energy for other things that might be more important that come up. So it’s so important to have that self-compassion. When you really start to create more awareness that it’s okay, that you have those beliefs that you have, and it’s okay that you can see yourself sabotaged and yet you’re, you still feel helpless to change it. That’s part of it.
The first step towards actually changing a belief that you have is having that self-compassionate awareness around that belief and just letting it be okay that it’s there, and observing how it is contributing to your reality instead of immediately going, okay, I need to replace this with a positive thought. That’s when we really get stuck because we’re trying to deny the thought that we do have and slap this positive bandaid over the top of it. And that just doesn’t last because of the way that our brains are wired. And so perfectionists hate doing this because we want those quick results so we can feel good enough and we don’t have to be in discomfort. But if you are noticing. Okay, I am expecting results. I’m not actually working for. I’m self-sabotaging.
I hadn’t even been aware that even though I feel like I’m working really hard towards this thing, I’m not actually taking the right kind of action. Then the first thing to do is just have this awareness around it without actually changing anything, to just kind of be like this scientist or to just sort of pretend that you’re an animal in the zoo and you’re observing yourself and being like, oh, this is really interesting that I’m believing this certain thing, and then I’m showing up in this certain way or that today I felt so exhausting, and yet I didn’t actually accomplish very much. And to just like have that awareness there, instead of immediately trying to change yourself and immediately trying to make yourself feel better.
Because if you do that, it’s just not going to create any kind of long term result for yourself, and I really want to help you create sustainable results and sustainable change and to just really be, really be self compassionate with this personal development work that you are doing. Another thing I wanted to mention as well is to just bring your attention to how exhausting it is to be in your own way, because I know that when you’re listening to this, if you do really feel like you are working your ass off, then you might feel like there’s not potentially any more you could give or you’re just so exhausted as it is. How could you possibly do any more?
And just to reiterate what I said at the beginning, this isn’t about hustling and doing all of that kind of thing. It’s just about stopping some things and starting some different things instead. So you’re not actually spending any more time. And funnily enough, it will take you less time to actually do the right kind of action. Because when we’re doing busy work or when we’re overwhelmed and stressed, we do a lot of unnecessary things and we expend a lot of unnecessary mental energy. So I want you to be aware that it is exhausting to be in your own way, and it will actually be very invigorating to get out of your own way.
And I know that because you’re listening to this podcast, you’re already sold on this idea of getting out of your own way and that you want to stop self-sabotaging, and you want to be the best version of yourself that you can be. So I don’t, I know I don’t need to sell you on that, but I do want to call it to your attention that it is exhausting to be in your own way, and that it’s actually going to be a much better experience to be out of it. And by that, I mean as well that doing the uncomfortable, scary things is actually going to take you less time and it’s going to take you less energy as well, even though it will require courage and require you to show up, perhaps in ways you haven’t before.
It is actually much quicker to do that than to expand all this mental energy that we do when it comes to procrastination, being undecided, overthinking. I particularly just want to mention too. I know I’m really going off on all sorts of different tangents here, but if you are, um. Oh, now I can’t even remember what I was going to say. Um, but anyway, um, so I just wanted to bring this to your attention that if you are really feeling like you’re working hard and you’re not getting results, then this is something that you need to just bring up your awareness around so that you can really begin actually creating the results and the success that you deserve, because it’s just so exhausting to be struggling.
And it feels like you can’t possibly do any more. But this is about actually doing less and just doing those things that scare the shit out of you, those things that you know you need to do. Maybe it’s having a hard conversation. Maybe it’s making a decision. Actually, that is what I was going to say before. Um, that if you have been deciding something for a long period of time, that that can be a situation where you’re expecting results that you’re not working for. And in our PGSD community, I know there are a few PGSDers who are wanting to start businesses. And yet for a few months, they’ve been in this kind of limbo where they’re like, I’m still deciding what kind of business to start.
And it’s such a good example of when we are expecting results we’re not working for. And I don’t mean that these women aren’t genuinely trying to get to an answer, but what they’re not realizing is that by letting themselves stay undecided, they’re Appetizing and that it’s stopping them from actually creating results, and it’s stopping them from learning what they need to learn and having the experiences they need to have. And we prefer when we have the perfectionist mindset to sit on the fence, because then we can’t be wrong, and then we won’t feel ashamed about being wrong or ruining things.
It’s much easier to sit on the fence, but sitting on the fence is exhausting. If you have been sitting on the fence, then it’s time to get off the fence. And that will require courage. That will will require vulnerability. It will require you to do things that you are scared to do. But it is so much better than sitting on the fence. And especially if you’ve been thinking about something for more than a week, it’s time to get off the fence. Usually it like it really only takes one second to make a decision, and we often know what that decision is already. We’re just trying to pretend we don’t know the answer because we’re scared of taking action and fucking things up and feeling ashamed and being vulnerable and doing all of those things.
So I really encourage you, if there’s a decision you’ve been thinking about for a long time, it’s time to make that decision. You’ve already had enough time to think about it. Make the best decision you can with what you know now, and move onwards because it’s so exciting to take action, even though it’s scary as fuck. If you’re taking action, then that creates momentum and that’s really going to get you out of that cycle of feeling exhausted and feeling just completely tired from your goals.
So I hope this episode has been helpful. I hope it’s made sense. I know I have been going on all of these different tangents and talking about a whole lot of different things. Part of the paradox of being a perfectionist is that you have these high standards, and you typically tend to be a high achiever, and everyone thinks you’ve got everything together and all of that. And yet at the same time, there’s the procrastination and the overwhelm and the inaction. And so sometimes it’s important to say, hey, you need to rest. And other times it’s important to say, hey, you need to stop procrastinating and overthinking and spending all this mental energy indulging in those negative emotions that don’t actually lead to any kind of positive outcome.
So in this episode, that’s really what I’m saying. And yes, you still need to rest without guilt. And for the final time, this isn’t about hustling. This isn’t about doing more. This is about doing what will actually get you results and stopping those activities, both physical and mental, that are holding you away from what you want and continuing with this struggle, this never ending struggle. It’s really important to to just finally be aware about the reason. Sometimes we perpetuate a struggle is so that we can avoid a different struggle in our lives.
So, for example, the reason that you might be staying up late and then waking up late instead of working in your business before going to your job, might be because you’re just scared as fuck to work on your business. You’re scared of what will happen if it fails. You’re scared of what will happen if it succeeds. So instead of actually dealing with that real issue, you might perpetuate the struggle around getting to bed on time and waking up on time so that you can avoid it. So that’s just the final thing I’m going to add in there. I’m not going to go into that too much, but if you’re constantly struggling and you’re like, oh, if I could just figure this out, then I’d finally have time to do this other thing.
It’s the other thing you need to be focusing on instead of getting this struggle sorted out because you’re going to keep perpetuating it because it’s serving you. You need to drop that and look at, okay, I’m going to actually do the work on the thing I need to do. So in that example, doing the work around business beliefs and the beliefs you have about the kind of person that you are, your self-image, all of those things, and actually showing up and doing that business work, even though you feel scared as fuck, and even though you might not have the perfect amount of time or feel one hundred percent awake to actually just get yourself to do that thing instead of, oh no, I need to get to bed on time and wake up on time before I can do that.
No, do your best with waking up on time and getting to bed on time, but you need to be spending your energy actually working on the struggle that you’re trying to avoid and that you’re successfully avoiding by struggling elsewhere. So with all of that said, that’s just a little reality check and some ideas for you to be thinking about. I hope that you are having a beautiful day and I will talk to you next time. Bye!
Outro
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