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Episode 556: How To Break Free From Perfectionist Patterns

In this episode I’m sharing a real coaching conversation from a Perfectionists Getting Shit Done coaching call. I’m teaching on what to do once you spot a Perfectionist Pattern and how to avoid the shame spiral that can come with having more awareness around your own patterns of self-sabotage.

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FULL EPISODE TRANSCRIPT

Introduction
Hi and welcome to another episode of The Perfectionism Project. A podcast full of perfectionism advice for entrepreneurs. My name is Sam Laura Brown, I help entrepreneurs release their perfectionism handbrake, so they can get out of their own way and build a fulfilling and profitable business. I’m the founder of the Perfectionists Getting Shit Done group coaching program, which is otherwise known as PGSD. And for even more perfectionism advice to help you with your business, you can follow me on Instagram @perfectionismproject.

Custom Intro:
In today’s episode, I’m going to be sharing with you an excerpt from a coaching call inside perfectionist getting shit done. This was a call that actually happened today, and during that call I taught on what to do when you notice a perfectionist pattern in action, and how to not go into shame about it, how to not go into, oh my god, I’m never going to get out of this. I’m going to be this way forever. So for example, the client I was coaching, she noticed that when she sets a goal, when she starts something new. So she’s just started her creative cocoon project, and started creating spark content for her that was YouTube videos when she got into the dip, when she was no longer excited and motivated and full of all the optimism about what it could be, when she actually had started recording.

And then she did a recording that felt so awkward to her that she really didn’t like it. She actually forgot to even record it as well, that she just felt so discouraged, so disheartened. It made her question whether she should even be doing YouTube videos. Should she be doing something else? Should she even be having a business? And so what I was coaching her on on the call was how to get through that dip and how to break the pattern of getting into the dip and then quitting, or getting into the dip and then getting lost in busy work, or getting to the dip and then having this new inspiring idea and starting something over. For her, the pattern was she would get excited about something, get started, get to the dip. When something went wrong didn’t go to plan, according to her perfectionist brain, get discouraged and then start something new. And she wanted to break that pattern, but she felt so so discouraged to see that pattern, because it felt like this is how it’s always going to be for me.

So what I taught on in this call, and what you’re going to be hearing is me teaching on what it means when you spot one of these perfectionist patterns. I share examples from my own life as always and for clients. But what it means when that happens? Why it’s a good thing to see that, and also, why not to expect yourself to instantly get out of a pattern when you see it? Because that’s with our perfectionist brains where we can really go wrong, is when we really get that awareness, we have this click where we see what we’ve been doing, we see the pattern, and we can’t unsee it, and you see it in all these different areas of your life.

We then feel entitled to being able to get out of that pattern right away, because we have the knowledge. We go into this thought pattern of, I should know better than to be sabotaging myself in this way. I should know better than to be quitting when I get discouraged, for example, or having a new idea, and that stops us from actually being able to break free from that perfectionist pattern. So I hope you enjoy listening to today’s episode and hearing me teach on what it’s actually like to break free from this perfectionist pattern. Why it’s not a problem to be in one and what it will look like for the rest of your life when it comes to perfectionist patterns as well, because we can really be in this mindset of wanting to solve a pattern once and for all and never be in it again, and that keeps us in resistance and keeps that pattern perpetuating. So it’s going to be really helpful. So stay tuned.

And I also want to mention as well, this is going to be really exciting for so many of you listening, that perfectionist getting shit done is now open for enrollment. So we have made this change having it be open for enrollment. Now, instead of just the launches, we have made this change because so many of you have been ready to sign up, but then it hasn’t been at the time we’ve done one of our open enrollments, which happens every three months, and you’ve just been waiting for the next launch, but then the timing didn’t make sense when the launch happened, and so you haven’t been able to get inside, and then you email saying it wasn’t the right timing. And I know that when you have that click, that awareness of like, oh my god, perfectionism is stopping me from showing up in my business, from taking consistent action.

So what we really help you with in PGSD is how to get out of your own way, how to show up, how to be taking action in a consistent and sustainable way so you can build your business even if you have a full time job, even if you’re a parent, even if you have health issues, even if you’ve got so much on your plate, being able to show up the way you want for your business is what we allow you to do. Is what we teach you how to do. We give you support to do that. We give you coaching to do that. We give you tools to do that, that work for your perfectionist brain, instead of against it. It’s a lifetime access program as well.

So we want you to be able to join when you have that click, that moment of oh my god, this is exactly what I need help with, instead of needing to wait potentially three months to be able to get inside the program. So inside PGSD, we are going to help you with so much like, oh my god, so much. Go to samlaurabrown.com/pgsd, to learn more about the program, you’re going to see the simple process that we teach you that gets you out of your own way. So if you have been struggling with procrastination, overthinking, you’re not short of business ideas. You know a good amount about what marketing looks like and things like that, but you just have a really hard time making decisions, following through on them, showing up, making time for your business. If that is you, then I invite you to join us inside PGSD, and you can literally now do that today.

So samlurabrown.com/pgsd is where to go to sign up now you’ll find that link in the show notes as well. I hope you enjoy this episode, and if you do join us in PGSD, you will get access as well as part of the program. You get the PGSD private podcast, which has all the past coaching call replays, and they’re all labeled as if they are podcast episodes with a title that allows you to really be able to get instant support when you need it from a past coaching call. So for example, if you’re feeling overwhelmed, you can literally just go and find a coaching call on overwhelm and get the exact coaching you need in that moment, so that that overwhelm doesn’t then make you procrastinate and just do all the busy work and all those things that happen when we get overwhelmed, for example.

So I really want to invite you inside if you resonate with what I share on this podcast, if you have been getting out, getting in your own way and you want to get out of your own way, if you have also been in the mindset of like I should be able to figure this out by myself, please just get yourself support. You deserve that your business deserves that. We have it all for you inside PGSD plus such beautiful, like minded community of other perfectionist entrepreneurs who are building their businesses and getting out of their own way. We love personal development. We love learning how to do hard things. We learn. Love learning how to make things simple and easy. That is what you get inside perfectionist getting shit done. So I want to invite you in, and I hope you enjoy this episode as well.

Sam Laura Brown
We want to have a relationship with spotting patterns in ourself that is really supportive. So you might as well, based on what you said, you might also have an expectation that you shouldn’t have these kind of patterns. It sounds like, like this is some massive problem, instead of like, when I find a pattern like this and I’ve have a similar pattern, most humans do, I’m like, oh yes. I feel like I’ve, like, cracked the code. I’m like, Oh, I can see it now and then once I see the pattern. So you’ve seen the pattern. So we can either go into shame of, oh my god, I shouldn’t have this pattern, which then perpetuates a pattern. Or we can go into, Oh, my God, I know the pattern now, and now I can do something about it, because I have awareness I never had before.

So now I know if the pattern is I start something, I’m excited, and I talk about this, like, in the Growth Goal modules of like, going through, like excitement, and then the dip, like, it’s such a normal pattern, but if you know the pattern is, I get really excited. I feel so hopeful. I feel so motivated, so optimistic that this time could be different. Then I start learning the new skill or doing the new thing. Then because of some misplaced expectation that I have, I feel really discouraged and disheartened. And then from that discouragement and disarmament, then I decide to do something new so I can be back in the hope and the optimism and the excitement very normal.

Or I then we either go into, like, doing something new, quitting all together, or we, like, go into, like, the busy work related to the goal that we have as a way to avoid the feelings that we’re in that are just actually coming from thought errors that relate to the misplaced expectation of thinking I should already be better by now. So if we see that’s that’s the pattern, if you will, then we know, okay, I’m going to be in the dip, and I can learn set better expectations so that my emotions like so that the story I have is a different story is a much more growth minded story than the perfectionist story. The perfectionist story is this should work instantly. If not, I’m a massive failure, and that’s embarrassing, so I shall quit or fight an excuse so that I can blame something. I’m so busy with this, I have this new idea, like our brain is just like this is so embarrassing. I must leave this situation right now, because if I was good enough, then it would be like this.

And so instead, we want to say actually, and it can be really helpful anything like, to get into the growth mindset, thinking in terms of skill sets. So for you, for example, I read out the submission in a second as it relates to YouTube videos, that is a skill set. And there are many skill sets within YouTube or anything that we’re doing, so I’m developing the skill set. So if I’ve done it two times, I probably haven’t developed the skill set yet, especially if I’ve done it two times with the expectation that I should be good by now. So we’re not actually when we have that expectation, we’re not actually fully engaged with what we’re doing. We’re just trying to do it in a way that proves we’re good at it. So we’ll tend to not actually even challenge ourselves within it.

We just want to look good to ourselves so we can feel good. If you start to see it that way in terms of like these, this is a skill set that I’m developing and of course, and from that perspective, it makes the expectation of doing it two times and then being masterful at it, then it actually makes it so much easier be like, actually, that expectation doesn’t make sense. But when we think of it through the perfectionist lens, which is, I should only get better and better and better. Ideally, I should actually be good right from the beginning and then I never improve, because I’m already perfect. Like, how I start? Like, that’s, that’s the bar I can never improve, which is kind of what you were saying at the beginning. Of like, this is me done. Like, there’s no improvement that can happen.

Instead of, of course, there is, there’s so many skills within what you’re doing. Of course, the more you practice them, you will improve those skills. So I’ll read your submission, and then we could do some coaching on that. But I think we just want to, like, look at the relationship you have with spotting patterns that everyone has, that I want you to be excited and feel connected to yourself when you spot a pattern, not disconnected. So you kind of went into like, Oh, this is a massive problem. Yeah, whereas, for example, when I notice I complete things like 80% and then my brain is like, let’s not finish. Let’s do anything else but finish. Let’s do like, and then I saw that pattern I could see in so many places, like, oh my god, yes. Now when I’m at the 80% I know it’s not Oh, I can never finish anything. It’s okay. Now I just need to, like, have some extra attention here and awareness as I’m developing the skill emotionally to complete it. It feels vulnerable to complete things, because then we we’re not in this like, well, once I get it done, it’ll be amazing. When you complete something, you actually have to find out what the outcome is when we leave it in limbo, we don’t have to find that out.

So when I spotted that pattern, I was like, Yes, this is exciting. I get to, like, now break the pattern because I can see it, and now I can spot it. So like, one of my one on one clients, I saw the pattern in her and, like, I can just spot it. And there’s a lot of what I do with the coach. Like, I can, once I’ve spotted it myself, you can just spot it in some not saying to go and tell all your friends and family, like, oh, is this new? Because that isn’t the time and place. But when you can see that pattern in yourself, then you can go in with, like, Okay, I know that in three weeks from now, I’m going to want to quit instead of like, Oh, if I just set up, set up the goal right this time, then I won’t want to have the dip like, oh, no, this is happening. So what do I need to do to support myself? What are my expectations looking like? What like? What support do I need? Can I write myself a little note so that in three weeks I have an email.

You know how there are those things you can, like, set up an email to go to yourself on a certain date that, like, it comes to me three weeks from now, and it’s like, Hey, you’re probably in the dip right now. You’re probably thinking this. You’re probably thinking that. But here’s what you need to remember. Like, there’s so many different things you can do when you know that’s the pattern. And it’s quite a simple one to get out of in a sense of, you know, the way to get out of that is when you’re in the dip, instead of quitting or going into busy work or a new idea, you just keep going through the messy middle. Yeah, and you’ve already done that in lots of ways, because your brain, identity wise, thinks you’re the person who doesn’t do that, you will be ignoring all the evidence that you have gotten through so many dips before. Yeah, that’s true.

And so you can also look at, okay, now I can actually acknowledge this isn’t like, how I am and everything. Like, actually, there are times and situations where I get through the dip, whether it’s because of the circumstances or whatever else, there are times I get through it. So what like? What am I thinking that supports me to do that? Because I do know how to do it. So I will read your submission and we will coach on that. But I just want to say that about patterns, they’re exciting, like that. It’s fun to find about it. I love it. Okay, so you said, I’m in the dip with my creative cocoon project, which is making 10 minute videos for YouTube. After the first two videos, I had the expectation. So this is when, this is what I’m agreeing for as well, like in coaching together, or like written coaching, just those key words of like, I had the expectation that is the key to this. And. It so I had the expectation that my videos would get better with each new video I recorded.

And then that failed when I had a video that did worse than the previous you said it did worse because I blanked and had nothing to say when all the previous videos, the two previous videos, from the sounds of it, but our brains, like all the previous hundreds of videos, the two previous videos, I was able to keep talking. I have no motivation. Handbrake is fully up, and I believe all the thoughts connected with my handbrake, including the fact that I’m always wrong and I always fail. So there is no self trust for me to access. I’m not trustworthy. When the video failed, my immediate thought related to change the goals. Maybe I’m supposed to talk about something else completely. Maybe I’m not even supposed to be doing videos. Then my thoughts move to quit and give up. I have nothing to offer. I was dumb for even trying in the first place. I’d like to move through this dip, but I know I don’t have what it takes. I think this is a cap of my handbrake.

It will let me grow up until here, this is the farthest I’m allowed to go. I’m tired of my cycle of starting over and getting to the dip and starting again, but I don’t think I have the capacity to change it. First of all, I just want to acknowledge the awareness in this, like being able to say, specifically, I had this sort, I had this sort, and I had this sort, and then it moved to this sort of like, that is so much awareness. I’m so confident, especially with that awareness that you’ll be able to break the pattern. I do feel excited, but I feel like I kind of had that feeling of you said, of like, I just figured out this one key piece of like, when I see a pattern, I’m like, Oh, now I now I have what I need to get out of that pattern, until you can see the pattern, it’s quite hard to break. And it is like, get constantly frustrated, but you don’t know why. And then once you can see the pattern, it’s like, Oh, good.

And now I like now, and this is also just so you know, what tends to happen is, and we’re all in, like, these patterns. Like, that’s how our brain works. It likes to be efficient, which means thinking the same thoughts, feeling the same feelings. So we’re going to all have patterns, and we have some ones that support us, and some ones that we’d rather not have. But if we look at what’s going to happen is, we’re in a pattern, we’re not really aware of it, then we get the awareness, like, more awareness. So you would have had like, awareness around the pattern, but like, not really seeing like it really clearly. Then typically, often, what will happen is you have a moment where you’re like, oh my god, I can see it here, and like all these other times. So what we then don’t want to have is an expectation of, now I’ve seen it, and Sam just told me she gets excited, and now I can solve it. So I should solve it instantly, and now have another misplaced expectation instead, it’s you then have to navigate the frustrating experience, and it’s only frustrating because we have an expectation and entitlement around it, but the experience of I can see the pattern and I’m still in it, and I’m still doing it, but during that time, you gather more information about it.

So now I’m I can see this pattern, and now I’m just like watching myself be in the pattern. I’ve spotted the pattern. Now I see myself in the pattern without the pattern changing. Then after that, if you do that with curiosity, of like, kind of like watching yourself like a zoo animal, you’re like, oh, like, that’s so interesting. I like, plan to do this. And then I did that instead and look and like, instead of getting frustrated, like, oh my god, I can never get out of it. It’s like, okay, cool. That’s like, so what was I like? What went on to me? Like, what was I thinking? What was I feeling when I decided not to follow you through with my plan? For example, if it was like, a pattern of, like, I make a plan, I don’t follow it, what went on there? Like, in that moment, okay, like, let me study myself. And the more and like, the quicker we can get through that more quickly that experience, like, speed it up by being more curious and allowing ourselves to be in the pattern and witness ourselves in the pattern before the pattern changes.

If we’re not in that curiosity, we say things like, I should know better than to be in the dip and then giving up. Yeah, because we’re like, we have this entitlement of, if I’ve seen a pattern, I should instantly be free of it. Instead of I see a pattern, I have weeks and months of witnessing myself in the pattern and still being in the pattern, and then after that, if I’m curious enough and connected enough with myself and support myself, then I can change the pattern. But I have to have this period of allowing myself to see myself in the pattern without it changing, and without having an agenda to change it, of like it’s wrong to be in the pattern, like it’s just a pattern, but when we make it this like moral thing, of like it’s wrong, or I’m wrong, to be in this pattern, it’s very hard to get out of the pattern, and then it gets so frustrating, because you’re aware of the pattern now, yeah, so instead, it’s, of course, I’m in a pattern. I’m a human. That’s how our brains work, and I’m not in a rush to get out of this pattern. It’s kind of counterintuitive, because once we see it, and we’re like, Oh no, I can now, like, I want to be better and like, I can see what I could do.

But when we make ourselves wrong for it, we. Keep ourselves in the pattern. Yeah, we need to actually allow, like, I can see the pattern, and that’s okay for me to keep being in the pattern. So say, for example, the what I shared before about, like, completing things 80% like, I noticed that pattern, and then had months of seeing myself in that pattern without changing it. Like, oh, I just noticed I did that here. Oh, I just noticed I did that there. And now I’m really in the place where I’m like, Oh, I can just finish it, because I had months of like, this is the pattern, and I’m not in a rush, like, I definitely want to not be doing that. And also it’s okay that I am, and it’s okay if I kept doing that forever, and then having that allowance of it allowed me to actually study it and understand it so that I can change it. Yes, okay, okay, so we want to not have an expectation of, like, Oh, this is so exciting, because then I’ll never be in that pattern again. Of like, actually, I’m probably going to be in the dip and quit.

So this is the other thing you’ll notice. Like, you’ll get to the dip and your brain will just now have more creative ways of thinking plans, like you were like, Okay, well, she’s on to us now. So let’s, let’s, like, have this other like, it’s just knowing, your brain will also, like, try to outsmart you, because it’s, like, a protective pattern, yes. So your brain is smart, and it’s going to adapt how it does this pattern. So this is a really important thing, too, and I read about it in a book called only go as fast as the slowest part of you is willing to go. It’s a long title. It’s a really good book. So in that, she talks about patterns and then being a spiral, and like an upward spiral, but like you’re going to pass back through, like you’ll have these different patterns in your life where you will have that same pattern come up. And instead of thinking about, I’m back with this pattern, it’s like, I’m actually the next level.

So if you imagine, like a spiral, so say this, I don’t know if this is going to make sense, and if someone’s listening and kind listening and can’t see my visual, but like, I’m doing a spiral with my hands, if you have this spiral going up, you’re like, going to just experience the next level of this pattern for the rest of your life, if you will. But it will be, you’ll be growing and evolving and learning along the way, like you’re not stuck, but also, like, your brain likes this kind of pattern, so it will keep wanting to be in this. And you can just know, instead of, I found it really helpful, instead of being like, oh, like, because there are so many patterns, I’m like, Oh yeah, still, like, the same thing that was coming up for me when I started my business, say, around visibility, that’s still the stuff that comes up for me now, but I’m at a much, much, much, much different level of that pattern. It’s like, I the spire, like it’s not manifesting at all the same way that it used to, because I’ve evolved, like I learned the lessons for that iteration of the pattern, yes, and then I’m on to the next iteration.

So it’s like, kind of seen it like another analogy, I guess, is like the video game analogy, but like, you’re gonna have the same pattern just at different levels. Like, it’ll just evolve. And instead of trying to be rid of the pattern forever, and then, like, say, for example, what will happen is, if you have the awareness now, which you do, and if you then approach it with curiosity and not being in a rush to get out of the pattern. You will then get out of the pattern. But then at a future point when your perfectionism handbrake comes on, when you’re feeling unsafe or out of control, like your brain will want to go back into that pattern, but it will be a different flavor of it. And then you can be like, Oh, that’s the pattern again, and that’s how this is how it’s looking this time, and then you’ll solve for that. So I think it’s really important not to be in like, a mindset of A, I shouldn’t have patterns B, a pattern is a sign that that’s how I am forever. And also kind of, like using awareness against yourself, like the awareness of it, and I get that, like, if you’re like, oh, like, I can see it all clearly now.

Sometimes it can be really confronting, and that’s okay if it is. But then we also want to go into okay. Now I have the awareness around it, and I’m willing to keep being in this pattern without being in a rush to get out of it. Then you’ll be able to start being like, okay, so like I can see now when I’m in the dip, this is, like, the pattern for me. So it’s not just a general pattern, it’s a more specific, like, Okay, I record a video. Right after I finish recording, I make a decision. I decide that’s not for me. I’m never going to do that again. So now I just need to make a different decision, of I’m just going to keep trying, or whatever it is, it helps you actually keep trying. I’ll do if I’m going to quit, I can quit, but I’m going to do 10 more videos before I quit, for example, or whatever it is that it’s like, here’s my plan for how to get through the dip. And then what’s going to happen is you come up with hypotheses for how to be out of the pattern, and in this case, how to feel discouraged, and then keep showing up.

So you’ll attempt that. And it might work. It might not the same way with the video. Video, you had a hypothesis for how to record a video, and the hypothesis didn’t work. Okay, let’s just make another hypothesis and try again instead of, oh my god, it will never work. So the same with getting out of a pattern, it’s kind of like the two things are very similar, like how you approach a pattern and how you approach this specific project, and the YouTube videos that we want to have it be that you have your hypothesis for how you’re going to do it, and then you give that a go, and we don’t have the expectation that all my hypotheses should work out perfectly. Yeah, this is my theory that if I record a video like this, it’ll be easy for me to chat. Oh, I recorded a video like that, and it wasn’t easy for me to chat. I wonder why that is is it the setup that I had in terms of, like, talking about the goal first? Is it something completely different? I was just in like, a different mood that day, like, who knows what it is, but could I be curious about it and figure that out, or just chalk it up to that creativity and I’ll just try again tomorrow?

And the same with the pattern of like, oh, I had a theory that if I’m feeling discouraged and I want to quit, then I’m going to take this approach, oh, but I still wanted to quit, and then I and now here I am, six months later, noticing that I had quit. So for me, for example, a pattern I noticed, and I’ve talked about this a bit, but is, I was in business, doing things at work, and then I stop it. Very frustrating pattern to notice, oh, I was doing so much that works, and then a different reason, each time, related to marketing, related to sales, related to so many things, I just do something that is working. I don’t this is a pattern I don’t realize it’s working because I’m so focused on what’s not working about it. So I stopped doing the thing that’s working. It’s then very frustrating for me, because I’ve stopped doing the things that’s working. So now I’m trying harder and there’s more pressure, but I’ve stopped the thing that’s working and I’m trying something new that isn’t working yet, when literally, the thing I was doing was working, and seeing this pattern was so frustrating. And also I was like, okay, cool.

Now I just have to do the things that I know work, and I do know they work, and they were working, and I can just be aware that when I’m doing something that works, my brain will present to me this isn’t working. We should do something else. So instead of going, Okay, I believe you, let’s do something else, I need to be paying attention. But there are things since having that awareness that I’m like, Oh, that was me stopping something that was working, and my brain has just like, found different ways to do it that’s like, a bit more stealthy than before, that it’s like, harder to spot. So instead of being frustrated, like, oh, I can see that, like, my brain to try and keep, like, my the business, small and like, safe in my brain, like it wants to when things are working and I have that feeling of momentum, it goes, oh, let’s stop.

So I just need to create that safety and the momentum, which I already have done. I know how to do that. It’s just having safety and even more momentum and be onto my brain’s ideas inspired ideas that relate to me stopping things that are working, and that means I have to be in this efficiency because often I don’t even see it’s working, which is why I decided to stop it. Because I’m so focused on what’s not working, or I have a misplaced expectation that it should be for it to be working. It would mean XYZ is happening by now when actually that expectation isn’t correct, and it was working, I just didn’t realize it because of the expectation I had that it should be different to how it was. So just another example of a pattern like it’s going to be so normal to find the patterns and exciting and also other feelings as well. And a process, I’d say often it takes, typically, a few months of like being in a process, if not, a couple of years of being in a process and a pattern and noticing that before being able to change out of it, because there’s skills and emotional capacities that need to be developed.

Outro
If you enjoyed this episode, I want to invite you into my coaching program called Perfectionist Getting Shit Done. It’s for perfectionist entrepreneurs. And inside, you’re going to learn my simple, proven process for how to get out of your own way. In your business, you’re going to be taking consistent action without burning out, even if you have a full time job, you’re a parent, you have a health issue, you’ve got a lot on your plate. That’s exactly who we help inside PGSD, we teach you. We have you master how to show up for your business and stop having the productivity issues that are being caused by perfectionism that are making it so so so hard to grow your business, even though you know you have the potential to have a successful business. We teach you how to work with your perfectionist mindset instead of against it, so you can be showing up consistently and sustainably and your business can finally grow. So to find out more about the program and to join us inside today, go to samlaurabrown.com/pgsd.

Author: Sam Brown