Podcast

Episode 574: Why You Don’t Need Your Spouse To Believe In Your Business More Than They Do

If your partner doesn’t fully believe in your business yet, or keeps suggesting it’s time to “get a job”, this episode is for you.

In this episode, I’m sharing what it looks like to hold space for your partner’s discomfort without losing belief in yourself or your business. You’ll learn how to stay grounded, stop trying to prove yourself and keep moving forward even when they can’t yet see your vision. If you’re a perfectionist and you’re building a business, you want to listen to this episode today.

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FULL EPISODE TRANSCRIPT

Introduction
Hi and welcome to another episode of The Perfectionism Project. A podcast full of perfectionism advice for entrepreneurs. My name is Sam Laura Brown, I help entrepreneurs release their perfectionism handbrake, so they can get out of their own way and build a fulfilling and profitable business. I’m the founder of the Perfectionists Getting Shit Done group coaching program, which is otherwise known as PGSD. And for even more perfectionism advice to help you with your business, you can follow me on Instagram @perfectionismproject.

Custom Intro
Okay, so I just want to give a little bit of context for the episode that you’re about to hear. So inside Perfectionist Getting Shit Done. PGSD, I released our PGSDers, a short series called the self trust selling series, and I recorded some podcast episodes that I knew were going to be super helpful, and I shared it with our PGSDers, and what I want to do is share that episode with you here on the main podcast. But I want to mention you’re going to hear me referring to PGSDers as if they’re the only people listening, because that was the original intention. And you’re also going to hear me sharing about my one on one coaching. I am now fully booked with one on one coaching, so that offer isn’t available. If you want to work with me, you want to be inside PGSD. Our next enrollment is the 30th of January, for one week only. But I just wanted to mention that we’re not going to cuddle that out. I want you to hear the episode in its original form, but I just wanted to give the preamble that that’s not available anymore, the one on one coaching with me. So with that said, I hope you find this episode incredibly helpful.

Sam Laura Brown
Okay, so I just felt like picking up my microphone and recording. Because, first of all, I have just learned that when I feel compelled, I follow it, and things work really well, and that when I feel compelled and then stop myself, things don’t work as well, and I often try to stop myself, because I need to be more strategic, or anything like that. And it just works for me to trust myself. And what I wanted to do, what has been coming up for me, is to do a series that is just super casual, which is my usual style. Anyway, super casual. Me just sending you little voice notes when I feel compelled, and I want to invite you to work privately with me in my one on one coaching container. And part of the reason I had the idea to do this series was because this morning, I was just messaging one of my one on ones, and I am just after I finished WhatsApp messaging her, I was just to see like, I am so excited to be working with this client again, and like this is going to be so good for all the things that in her specific situation she is coming up against or about to be going through.

I have been through that multiple times over, and I’m just so excited to be able to help her bypass mistakes, just like be able to to get the support that will make all the difference, and that gets to be me like, What a gift. And I also have one of my other one on one clients. I’m about to start a call with her in 17 minutes. So I’ve got a time limit on this. But anyway, I was just thinking I’d love to just every day, because for sure, there has got to be at least five PGSDers more who want to work with me privately, and I want to invite you in. I want to invite you in. And I was like, I’m just going to write an email every day, just because I have so many things I want to say and share so much value to share with you, that I was just going to write a little email. And then I was like, what I actually want to do is chat it out, to ChatGPT and have that written in email. Then I was like, why don’t I just actually give them? Why don’t I just actually give them the Voice Recording, instead of trying to get it into the email?

And when I let myself speak, when I do it through an Instagram, live through stories, through the podcast, like that is my most powerful medium. Like that’s the most connecting. And we’ve been talking about this recently in pgsd, if you really resonate with my style of doing things, most likely, I mean, there’s a lot probably that goes into that, but most likely, one of the key things is that you also sell through connection. You sell through when you are in even if you might feel awkward, even if you might feel uncomfortable like when you are connecting with others, they can’t help but want to be in your world, whether you are a coach like me or not. A lot of my clients aren’t coaches. Some of them are too, though, but it doesn’t matter what kind of business you have if you are just the kind of person who when you are out in the world, even if you’re an introvert like myself, when you were out in the world, there’s something about that, like you don’t really know exactly what you’re doing, but when you are connecting, something about that really works for you.

And so that has been the case for me, and I feel like I am just so coming into the era of fully owning that and not trying to, kind of, like not trying to have it have to be different ways. And like, have to write. And I love writing. I love writing, but voice and speaking, and this, what I’m doing right now is the most powerful, and I feel the most alive and the most connected when I’m doing it. I’m not worrying about getting the words right, because I’m not going to be editing this back. I’m not going to be like, I don’t get a do over any of the words, so I’m just in flow. I’m just letting it flow out. And so that’s what this little series is going to be at this point of recording it. I don’t know how many episodes will be in this series, but I do want to say, like, I’m just going to be dropping things here. I will have emailed you about this private podcast, and that is how you’ll be listening to it. But I don’t know how many like, what this will look like. It’s just evolving. It’s just flowing. And I’m usually fully booked for coaching.

So I just want to say, as you’re listening to this, if you’re like, I really feel the call to work with Sam, please go and apply so you can get a spot, because I’m only fully booked, and I don’t want you to miss out. If you feel like, I would absolutely love to have that support and that structure and to be able to have someone that. To believe in me and pick me up when I’m down, and show me the path and help me walk the path. And my clients are working towards goals like 100k in a year, 10k months, full time income. I’ve had clients who are working to much bigger goals than that as well, smaller goals than that as well, but up to big things, wanting to pursue a dream and to have the support and guidance and path and like all of that, it just, I love it so much, and I know that there are at least, at least a good handful of people listening to this who deeply, deeply want that. And I’m recording this to connect with you. And there are some of you who are like, I really want to work with to work with Sam, and now isn’t the right time for whatever reason, and that’s okay. Keep listening as well, and there will be something in the future that resonates with you, so we can do that work together.

So what I wanted to share about today is what I was just talking about with my one on one client this morning. This is really one of the the key benefits of the support that I offer in coaching, and that if you don’t have this, it can be so tricky. So what I was talking to her about is, for her, her husband is very supportive, loving kind check, check, check, and wants her business to be being more successful by now. Wants her to be making more money by now. Wants her keeps mentioning, like, you need to go and get a full time job, all of those kinds of things. And she is feeling like, like, I really have this pressure to prove to him by a certain time that this business is actually going to get, like, get off the ground fully so that I don’t have to go and get a job. Because I don’t want to go and get a job. I want him to believe in my business. But he keeps saying, I like, I need you to get a job, and that’s going to be having to happen soon.

We can’t just have you, like, keep trying this forever and keep, like, not paying yourself even though you’re making money in the business like that isn’t coming into our personal finances. So like, that’s not going to keep working for us. And the pressure, she was saying about the pressure that she feels in like, the the rush that she feels to have the business be in a certain place by a certain time, so that she can prove to him that it is legitimate and that she doesn’t have to go and get a job. And so I just wanted to speak to this, because it is something that, if you don’t hear about this, you can think that there is maybe something wrong with you for being being in a situation where you have a supportive partner, but they are also saying, Okay, well, like, when are you going to give this business thing up? Or, like, are you really going to, are you really going to be able to make it like, Are you sure this isn’t just a bit of a pipe dream?

And like, Yes, it’s good. You’re making some money, but that really isn’t enough to sustain you and to sustain us, and if you have a mortgage and if you have kids and those things as well other financial obligations that needs to be met, that a big part of building a business that so many people don’t talk about is being able to hold space for your partner’s disbelief and discomfort. It might be that you have a partner who isn’t supportive at all, but most of the clients that I work with actually have a loving, supportive kind partner, or if they don’t have a partner, it’s friends and family who fundamentally want the best for them. Aren’t trying to sabotage them, aren’t trying to undermine them, aren’t trying to dismiss their dreams. But they don’t see the vision. They don’t know what’s possible. They don’t know the journey. They don’t know the ups and downs of building a business, the process of gaining momentum and building that up over time.

And so it can be very easy to kind of default into if my two things, one is if my partner my friends and family, but if my partner doesn’t see what’s possible, like, if they don’t believe in me, shouldn’t they be believing in me? Like, this is this kind of thing, right? Of like, if they love me, shouldn’t they believe in me more than I believe in myself, and they love you and they want to support you, but if they don’t know, like, the entrepreneurial journey, if they don’t see your vision, which most likely they are not going to because they are not in your head, if they don’t have all of that, plus they have their own insecurities, plus they have their own safety, emotional safety to think about. And in the case of my client’s husband, for example, that that is he’s wanting to make sure that their family is being provided for, and he’s thinking about their safety in that sense. And so it’s not that he doesn’t believe in her, but he, in his mind, is just trying to get a practical need met, which is, we need to be making money.

And right now, your business, the way that it’s been set up, you aren’t paying us a regular amount of money into our personal finances. So I can’t really feel the benefit of all the amazing growth that’s happening in your business. So I don’t really believe it yet. And so we can default into thinking like, Okay, well, if they should be believing in me, so if they don’t, maybe I’m not capable of doing it, or I’m just going to have to figure out, like, how to do it their way, and like how to keep them comfortable, so that I don’t have to go and get a job, so that I do have the freedom to keep working on this, so that I can keep going for my dream, and that’s one way that we can look at it, or we just kind of go into and we could be doing both of these things. We just go into this, like, I need to prove it to them, sort of energy.

So the first energy is more of like a passive like, you know, we’ll both believe it when we see it, sort of thing, and that’s not going to create success. And then the other ways is kind of like, I need to prove it to them that it’s possible to have a successful business, and that I can make money quickly, and that I can be on top of my shit, and that I can be organized and anything like that, and that I can pay myself a consistent amount. And there’s this proving energy, which comes from inadequacy. And if you’re in this proving energy, you will be very defensive whenever anyone is or your partner, your friends or family, if they’re asking you how business is going, weren’t you going to be doing that thing?

And it doesn’t look like you’re doing it anymore, like any questions around it, you will be in this defensive energy, or you will feel shut down and dismissed, like they’re asking you questions because they don’t believe and so what? And this is like the power of the work that I do, and why I really want to invite you in, if this is speaking to you, is like a big piece of what I do for my clients as a coach and with the specific coaching that I do for perfectionist entrepreneurs who are wanting to pay themselves consistently. They’re wanting to be able to make sales in a way that they love, in a way that feels so self trusting and supportive and nourishing, while still being able to be strategic about it as well. But to be able to have that dream business, one of the big things that I do that’s just kind of like subtly working away in the background, is I will believe in you, and I do believe in you more than you believe in yourself more than your partner believes in I believe in you enough for everyone, as far as I’m concerned.

So that, thanks to that, you have increased capacity to hold space for the discomfort that your partner might be experiencing as you go after big dreams, as you go after your 100k year, full time income, on part time, hours, whatever your business goal is that you’re working towards, there will be some discomfort there. And if you’re thinking they should be comfortable, as I’m going out and doing something they’ve never seen done before, that also impacts, and this is the reason it relates specifically to partners, because it will impact if you have shared finances. It will impact their personal finances as well. And so when you can be in have that increased capacity to hold space for their discomfort, and you’re not believing they should just be cheering me on and so supportive and completely get it and never question me and never have any doubts, like it is so okay for them to have doubts. It is so okay for them to be uncomfortable.

We can hold space for that. And a big part of like, the coaching that I will do with my clients is they will get a comment from their husband, their wife, their partner, that is kind of just, it’s not anything big, so to speak. It’s just like, hey, don’t you think you should get a job? Like, just a kind of throwaway line, hey, don’t you think you should really, you know, give this up and put money into something else, or things like that, and the coaching on helping them navigate that. And this is why the WhatsApp support between calls so powerful, because you don’t even have to wait a week to get support with that. You just literally WhatsApp message me, we sort it out right there. And then you do not go into the spinning. But when we don’t have that, and also when we’re thinking that they should be believing it shouldn’t be uncomfortable for them, when, of course, it is. If you put yourself in their shoes, and you have a partner who is going out, maybe it’s not with a business, maybe it’s something else they’re going after, and they have big dreams, and you don’t really know how it’s going to happen, and you don’t really see the vision.

You don’t really see the path, and you’re not really in that world, like you’re not listening to all the podcasts that are telling you how it works and all of that, yeah, that would bring up some discomfort. That would be a little bit scary. And so that’s one of the things that we work on, and that I support you with, is holding space for that discomfort that they have and your own discomfort, so that you can keep doing what you need to do, and not going into that spin or being like, Okay, well, I should just, I have to go and get a job, and I don’t really want to get a job. And, like, there can be months and months and months of lost time just drama about, like, I probably need to get a job. I’m running out of money, but I don’t want to get a job. But like, this kind of spin instead of like, let’s just directly, like, get you coached up on that, and then we just go out and have you making money in your business, and then that all becomes a non issue.

And part of the reason such a big, part of the reason that I’m able to coach on it so powerfully is because of all the conversations I’ve had with Steve as I’ve navigated building my business, because of the way that I have personally had to hold that belief, even when there was no proof, or minimal proof, or sporadic proof, that it was working, or when I would have my perfectionism handbrake come on, and then I would become avoidant, and then things would wouldn’t be working, and then I’d feel ashamed about that. And so it would work even less, because then that shame, I would become more avoidant, and from hiding from that, to be able to instead of going into the spinning, or just feeling like they should be believing in me, and then having disconnection from your partner, like your partner is going to be one of your your greatest for lack of better word, like being your rock, being your support, that doesn’t mean they have to believe in you. 24/7 in your business goals and all of that.

But you have to be willing to hold that discomfort so they feel safe, to support you. If you’re like you shouldn’t be uncomfortable, then that doesn’t help them feel safe. That does not help them feel safe. And if you’re trying to prove it, that energy doesn’t help anyone feel safe, either anyone can feel that kind of energy, we want to have you building your business be something that helps you connect with your partner rather than disconnect from your partner. And that is such an important piece that I do with my coaching clients that I just wanted to talk about it. Because if you are going to your partner as well, and you’re like feeling the fear and the doubt, and you’re wanting them to build up your belief. They’re just going to hear you being doubtful and be like, Well, yeah, maybe you’re right. Maybe it isn’t going to work. You need someone else, ie me, in your corner, to be doing the believing so that you don’t even have to be doing it all the time, and your partner doesn’t have to be doing it all the time either. They don’t even have to be doing it any of the time, so long as they love you and they’re there for you, generally speaking, we don’t need them to have any beliefs about your business and what’s possible.

You get to be the trailblazer. You create the safety, you hold the space for their discomfort, and you have the support from elsewhere, so that you’re not having to go to your partner and either like, doing this big like, dump of like, here’s all the things that aren’t working. Oh my god, I’m never gonna make it like, make it like that, especially if your partner is having dads. That probably isn’t the most connecting thing that you can do with your partner. Best to get that cleaned up with coaching, and then go to your partner to celebrate the wins. Go to your partner to yes, you can share that things you’re struggling with, whatever, but not from this place of can you please build up my belief for me, because if they are already feeling a bit shaky, they’re going to be like, maybe you’re right. So with that said, I want to invite you in to work one on one with me. So samlaurabrown.coaching, sorry, samlaurabrown.com/coaching.

Is where you can go to find out more about the six month coaching container with myself, and I will leave the link for you in the show notes beneath this, so you can go and apply and work together with me and have that belief, because having that be there consistently, week after week after week after week has such an insane impact, the lack of spinning, the lack of, like, not being in that place anymore, where you’re just trying to, like, constantly gather up your belief, to just be able to have that belief there from me and for me to help support you with that and that that alone can just be like the difference between achieving your goal and not. So I wanted to invite you in, and I’ll leave a link in the show notes for you to apply, and I’ll talk to you in the next episode, but hope to see your application.

Outro
If you enjoy this podcast, I recommend signing up for the waitlist for my program called perfectionist getting shit done, aka pgsd. This is a program designed to help you get out of your own way in your business, you’re going to learn how to release your perfectionism handbrake by setting a growth goal for your business. Planning properly as a perfectionist with power planning and getting regular, guilt free, clean rest, you’ll learn the skills required to get out of your own way and be supported every step of the way to do it. To find out more about the program and join the waitlist today, go to samlaurabrown.coms/pgsd.

Author: Sam Brown