The more I talk about the perfectionist mindset and our perfectionist brains, the more misconceptions I hear.
In this Best of The Podcast episode, I’m sharing some of the biggest misconceptions about perfectionism to help you understand your perfectionist brain and learn how to work with it, instead of against it.
If you’re a perfectionist and you’re building a business, you want to listen to this episode today.
If you’re ready to get out of your own way in your business, you want to join my coaching program Perfectionists Getting Shit Done (PGSD). Sign up now at samlaurabrown.com/pgsd.
To learn how to plan out your week in a way that works with your perfectionist brain, sign up for my free 5-Part Planning Series here: samlaurabrown.com/planningseries.
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FULL EPISODE TRANSCRIPT
Introduction
This is the Perfectionism Project, the only podcast created specifically for perfectionists who are building businesses. I’m your host, Sam Laura Brown, perfectionism expert and entrepreneur. I teach perfectionists how to plan properly, consistently follow through and rest without guilt so they can build profitable and fulfilling businesses without burning out.
I’ve helped over a thousand perfectionist entrepreneurs do exactly that inside my program, Perfectionist Getting Shit Done. If you’re tired of procrastinating, overthinking and half finishing your ideas, you’re in the right place. Now, let’s dive in.
Best of the Podcast Introduction
Today I have a best of the podcast episode for you. So at this point, there are a lot of episodes on this podcast, and I want to make sure the best episodes don’t get lost in the archives. So today I’m sharing with you an episode that is well loved and also one that I am constantly referring to and linking people to.
And I want to make sure you can listen to it as well if you haven’t already. So without further ado, let’s get into the episode.
Sam Laura Brown (Start of the episode)
Today, I want to talk to you about some of the biggest misconceptions around perfectionism. And as I’ve been growing my business and working with more clients and also in my membership, perfectionists getting shit done, talking to more people about perfectionism, I have noticed just how many misconceptions there are about what perfectionism is, and I have had many of these misconceptions myself. So I wanted to talk about these so that you are perhaps a little more willing to let go of perfectionism and begin to get into a growth mindset. I’m going to be talking about why there is that temptation to think, well, yeah, but perfectionism is actually what’s created my success.
So if I start to let go of it or change the way I do things, or be a little bit more kind to myself that I’m not going to achieve as much. But that actually couldn’t be further from the truth. So in this episode, I’m really wanting to shine a light on the truth about perfectionism as I understand it, and sharing with you how it is actually possible to change, why perfectionism isn’t a good thing, why it’s not a bad thing. And yeah, how you can improve your life by just having this different perspective about the perfectionist mindset.
If you’re new to the podcast or you haven’t listened to some of the older episodes I’ve done, I wanted to recommend a couple to you that are going to give you a little bit more context around the perfectionist mindset. So this podcast is about how to get out of your own way, how to grow and evolve out of that perfectionist mindset and into a growth mindset. But there are two episodes in particular that I want to recommend. Even though perfectionism is an underlying theme in every single episode that I record, episode 45, Ten Signs You’re a Perfectionist is a great one to just give you a bit more of an understanding around what it actually is.
And I do address some misconceptions in that episode because a lot of perfectionists don’t actually think there is a, oh my God, I can’t speak a perfectionist. I’m going to be saying that word a lot this episode, but they don’t think they are one because they have certain misconceptions around what perfectionism is and what those people look like, how they act. The other episode I want to recommend to you is episode 57, which is seven differences Between Perfectionists and High achievers. One of the biggest objections that perfectionists have about getting out of that mindset is that they’ll be an underachiever if they actually let go of these tendencies to, you know, beat ourselves up for mistakes, be really harsh to ourselves, have incredibly high standards. We’re scared that if we actually allow ourselves to get into this kind of growth mindset, we won’t achieve as much. But the opposite is true. We actually can achieve so much more when we get out of this perfectionist mindset.
So I go into that a little bit more in episode 57. If you’re wanting to find out more about that after this episode. But just to summarize, in case you don’t know what I mean when I say a perfectionist, I love Brene Brown’s definition where she says that a perfectionist is someone who believes that if I just do everything perfectly and look perfect, then I can avoid the pain of shame and rejection and judgment and blame and all of those negative emotions. So perfectionism isn’t something that perfect people have. It is really the fear and shame around not being perfect, which is really where I wanted to begin with. The first misconception, which is perfectionists are perfect people. This is one that I hear so often when I will get emails from you guys or DMs, or I’ll be having conversations with people I’ve just met about perfectionism, and they’ll be saying, you know, I can relate because I procrastinate and I’m all or nothing and I’m in my own way, but I’m just not a perfectionist. Like I, I’m not that, but I do relate to everything else you say.
And really the reason they’re saying that is because for the most part, they have this idea that perfectionists are neat and tidy and organized and follow through with their plans and do everything perfectly. They’re like, well, I. My house is a mess. I don’t get everything done. I don’t finish what I start. Like I’m just not a perfectionist because those people just do everything perfectly. But perfectionists don’t do everything perfectly. They just feel ashamed that they’re not perfect. They’ll have those intentions. They want the sparkling clean house and beautifully organized rooms and all of that, and they want to have the perfect habits and the perfect plans and the perfect follow through.
But they feel ashamed that they don’t. Whereas people who do take a lot of action aren’t perfectionists. They’re what I like to think of as being a high achiever, which I talk about in episode fifty seven and really go into the distinction between the two. But perfectionists have those high standards, but because they think, oh my God, I can never live up to that. They go into the all or nothing thinking and just abandon it and quit and let everything go, and then have this really negative self image. And then because they believe that’s true, they keep acting in accordance with that belief. But I hear a lot of people to say, you know, I’m too lazy to be a perfectionist.
And this concept of laziness is something I find really interesting. I’ve never personally identified as being lazy, but I think a lot of perfectionists do identify that way because they don’t take a lot of action. And I think that really comes from if you can relate to what I share, it comes from that fear of not being good enough and there being evidence that you’re not good enough. And so it’s not actually laziness because if you have, in my opinion, laziness coupled with ambition, and you really believe you have potential, I don’t think it’s laziness. I think it’s fear disguised as laziness.
And it’s easier to say you’re lazy, especially if you’re procrastinating all the time and procrastinate learning all the time. It’s just easier to say I’m just a lazy person than to be like, actually, I’m not lazy. I’m just scared shitless. And that’s why I’m not taking action. So I invite you if you have that definition of yourself to question, is it laziness? Because laziness and lazy people don’t really listen to podcasts like this? So that’s something that I want to talk about for the first misconception that perfectionists are perfect people. No, they’re just people who feel ashamed that they’re not perfect. The second misconception is that perfectionism makes you more successful or is what makes you successful.
And as I mention a lot of people, a lot of perfectionists have a lot of resistance around letting go of being their own biggest critic and blaming themselves for mistakes and all of that kind of thing because they think, well, you know, I’ve actually achieved pretty good results in the past with this mindset. So if I let go of it, I’m going to achieve way less. I’m just going to get really lazy. I’m going to stop taking action. It’s just so fascinating to hear someone say that, because when we are in this perfectionist mindset, we procrastinate, we hold ourselves back. We only do things that are guaranteed to succeed. Or if we’re doing something that might be a little bit scary, we don’t put in a full effort. So we can blame lack of effort for lack of results rather than having to blame ourselves.
So in the schooling system, and I know myself like I did well at school and I did well at uni, and I had this perfectionist mindset in such a huge way where I was leaving everything until the last minute because I didn’t even realize it for most of my school and university years. But if I left everything to the last minute, I could say, oh well, I would have done better if I’d tried harder. And if I did do well, I could say, oh, look at me, and I would have done even better if I’d tried harder. So we always get to protect our potential. And I will also link up in the show notes the episode I did on protecting your potential versus pursuing your potential. Because when we’re in this perfectionist mindset, we really go into protection mode and we don’t do anything that’s going to put our image of being someone who’s smart and capable and talented at risk.
So we really don’t try a lot of things. And if you can get into this growth mindset, instead of being in the perfectionist mindset, you can achieve so much more and you can enjoy the journey. When we have this perfectionist mindset, we are scared of being underachievers because our self-worth is attached to achievement. We only believe that we are as good as what we do, which isn’t true. And a lot of us intellectually understand that it’s not true, that we are good enough, regardless of how many items we tick off our to do list. But we’ve got it all tangled up that our self-worth is related to and tied up in our accomplishments. So there’s a lot of fear around. If I let go of that and I start being kinder to myself, then I’m going to achieve less and I’ll achieve less. I’m not going to feel good enough.
So it’s better to be a bitch to myself and achieve more. So at least then I can be someone who is worthy than to be kind to myself, to enjoy the process and maybe achieve a little bit less. But we achieve so much more when we are in the growth mindset and we get to actually enjoy the journey. And so what I was saying with school and uni as well, that I wanted to mention is that the school system in a lot of ways, gets us into that fixed perfectionist mindset where we’re really only rewarded for the result instead of the effort, and for being courageous and for being bold and for really trying and for challenging ourselves at school where like, it’s really just the focus is on the mark. Did you get an A or didn’t you get an A? And if you got an A, well done, very good. Look how smart you are.
And if you didn’t, oh well, you’re not good enough. Instead of really like in this growth mindset, the focus to get into a growth mindset is focusing on effort, being courageous, being bold, challenging yourself, trying new things. But for a lot of us, we didn’t have that schooling experience. And it’s really created this fixed mindset of, well, I need to get praise so I can feel good enough and approval, and I get praise and approval when I get good marks and when I do well and I accomplish things.
So I need to keep accomplishing things so that I can keep getting love from other people. And so it’s this real fear of if I stop accomplishing things, I won’t be loved. And that fear of disconnection, which Brene Brown has that as her definition of shame, the fear of disconnection. So we really have that fear that, oh my God, if I’m an underachiever, then no one’s gonna love me. I’m going to be all alone. We don’t have that consciously going on, but that’s what’s going on subconsciously. But I can assure you, getting into a growth mindset will not only feel amazing and have you having a much fuller experience of life, because you won’t be in your own way, but you will actually be able to achieve more when you aren’t so focused on the result and what it means about you. Because people in a growth mindset, high achievers, they still care about the results.
They just don’t make it mean anything about themselves as a person and whether or not they’re lovable and whether or not they’re worthy. So it’s not like people in a growth mindset and people in that way of thinking, just a reckless and never achieve anything. They achieve so, so, so much more than a perfectionist does. Because a perfectionist again plays a really small game, holds himself back. I also just wanted to mention something about the growth mindset that is often misunderstood. And when I first heard about it, just in case, this is the first time you’re hearing about the growth mindset, I thought, oh, I definitely have a growth mindset. Like I’m obsessed with personal development for sure. Like I’m always thinking about, you know, growing and evolving and improving myself and all of that.
But the growth mindset doesn’t have anything to do with your interest in personal development books or podcasts or anything like that, or how much information you’re consuming or even how much you’re applying. The growth mindset is about your view of the world, and your fixed mindset is about your view of the world. So and perfectionists have a fixed mindset. So I really want to just Articulate that difference again, because I know I when I first heard about it, I was like, yep, I’ve got to go with mindset. And then I felt really good about myself for thinking I had a growth mindset, but really it is something completely different. So if you want to know more about the biggest mistakes perfectionists make with the growth mindset, episode one hundred is where I share that.
So if you’re not sure, do I have a growth mindset? How can I get into a growth mindset? Episode one hundred is where I recommend going. The next misconception I wanted to talk to you about is a bit of an interesting one. So what can happen is that once you have an understanding of what perfectionism really is, and that it’s this fear of being disconnected, this fear of experiencing the painful emotion of shame, and that we’re just trying to do everything perfectly and look perfect so we don’t have to feel that emotion. It’s easy to start feeling bad and beating yourself up about having perfectionist tendencies. And as your self-awareness increases, I find this with all of my one on one coaching clients, you kind of go from this place where like, ignorance is bliss and you don’t really know you’re in your own way. Then you start to do this work and you’re like, oh my God, like, can you not do that? You’re like, why do I keep self-sabotaging?
And we have this belief, I should know better. And that sounds like such a positive belief. Like I should know better, like it’s encouraging somehow or that it’s going to help us create change. But if you think about if someone said to you, you should know better. It doesn’t feel good. It’s such a put down to say, you should know better than this, you should be better than this. But we constantly say that to ourselves and it’s really important as you are doing your own personal development work and beginning to change your life and beginning to increase your self-awareness. And you start to realize like, hey, okay, I know now that I’m self-sabotaging, why can’t I get myself to stop? Why can’t I stop procrastinating? Why can’t I stop quitting on things that I’ve started quitting on projects? Why can’t I stop? It’s so important to be like, wait, this is part of the process. And if you’re in perfectionist getting shit done, we had you set an impossible goal.
The point of that is to bring up the work that you need to do. So a lot of you guys in PGSD get frustrated, and I totally can relate and can see why, but you get frustrated because you set this goal and part of you was like, yeah, I’m gonna do this perfectly and it’s going to be amazing. And like really having that perfectionist fixed mindset about it. But then because the goal is designed to be impossible, meaning that you can’t yet see the how.
So you’re going to have to try different things, which means you’re going to have to fail. You end up self-sabotaging and doing all these different things, and then feeling bad about self-sabotaging and being like, oh my God, look at this. I’m such a perfectionist. I have such strong perfectionist tendencies and really like putting yourself down For being a perfectionist, but I really want you to see that perfectionism is just a set of beliefs. It’s just a way of thinking. And our brain is capable of change. Which also leads me to the final misconception that I wanted to talk about, which is once a perfectionist, always a perfectionist. Perfectionism is a set of beliefs and beliefs like, I need to be perfect or no one will love me. Like, these are all very subconscious beliefs.
And we adopted these beliefs as children and when we were growing up, because we needed them and our brain, it just we made these connections and it helped us during that time of our life. And they served a purpose. And it allowed us to, you know, be the way our parents wanted us to be. And then we could get their love and they could keep helping us survive and whatever. But we can change. It’s just a set of beliefs. And at the moment it might feel so true and like, it’s so hard to get out of that way of thinking, but it’s really important to see it’s just a set of beliefs and things to neuroplasticity and the fact that our brain can change and we can reprogram it. We are actually able to get into a growth mindset instead of thinking, well, I’m going to be this way forever.
And really attaching to that label of being a perfectionist to be like, currently I have the perfectionist set of beliefs and I am creating a growth mindset. And to start identifying yourself as someone who creates or is in a growth mindset. And I talk a lot about the power of image, self-image, and identity when it comes to changing yourself and evolving into the next version of yourself, which, by the way, doesn’t feel good to evolve. I know it sounds nice to be your best self to become her, but it’s going to bring up a lot of mental work for you to do? And so when it comes to this perfectionist label, we don’t want to have it be something that we really strongly identify with. And I know this might be confusing because I’m always talking about perfectionism, and you’re a perfectionist and all of this, but the reason I’m doing that is, first of all, to help you feel less alone.
Because when I first discovered that this wasn’t like there wasn’t something wrong with me, this is just a certain way of thinking that I had developed. And it was all okay. And I’m not the only one. Like it was so powerful for me to like, have that label in a sense, and to be like, oh, wait, it’s not me. It’s just this way of thinking, but we don’t want to get too attached. I talked to this. I talk about this more in episode 126, how to create an empowering self image, and how you can kind of take the self image that you have and really lean on and pull out those positive aspects and then not put as much focus on the negative aspects of that self-image so that you can really grow and evolve. But when it comes to perfectionism, I don’t want you to keep saying, oh, I’m just a perfectionist.
It’s always going to be this way, and I’m always going to procrastinate and it’s always going to stay the same. So instead, just be like, this is just a set of beliefs. Beliefs can be changed. And there are people who can teach me how to change my beliefs and my brain will believe. And this is true. My brain will believe anything I tell it. If I tell it enough times like we really have to, to evolve and grow, be willing to see that our brain believes so many lies that even though they feel true and they feel realistic, and we have this real desire to not deny reality and to not fool ourselves, that we believe so many things about ourselves that aren’t true. Like if you believe you’re not good enough. And it’s so fascinating as well, this belief of being not good enough because like, it’s almost.
And I find it. I used to find this really hard to articulate. I still do in a few ways, but that you have this underlying kind of belief that you have potential and there’s more to life and that you are capable of so much more, and that you could be the kind of person who is crazy successful and you like deep in you have this belief in your potential, but at the same time, you have this belief that you are inadequate, that you’re not worthy, that you’re not lovable. Like you have the two there with you. And I think that’s really just how the fixed mindset works. Because when we have that mindset, we believe that our talents, abilities, and intelligence are natural. So for a lot of us, we were praised throughout school and university or our jobs.
As someone who is smart and intelligent and has a lot of potential. So we get to have this self-image around Potential, which is really appealing to a perfectionist because they get to feel good about having potential. But then when we have that perfectionist mindset, we actually stop ourselves from pursuing our potential. And again, I’ll link that episode up in the show notes for you if you want to go more into this. But we don’t pursue our potential for fear that we won’t actually have as much potential as we believe. So when we’re in this fixed perfectionist mindset, we believe we have potential. But at the same time, it’s almost like two sides of the same coin at the same time. We believe that we’re not good enough and that our worth comes from our natural abilities and talents, which is why we’re so scared to ever show anyone that maybe we’re not as good as they think.
We’re not as perfect as they think that we make mistakes. And so if you can begin to just reframe the way that you see the perfectionist mindset, and to really recognize that it is just a mindset, it is just a set of beliefs and there’s nothing wrong with thinking that way. The only reason that I’m teaching you how to get into a growth mindset is so that you can pursue your potential instead of protecting it, and you can really make that contribution that you know you’re capable of making and live the kind of life that you want to live. But there’s nothing bad about being a perfectionist. And so we don’t want to go into this thing where we’re ashamed about having this mindset, but instead being like, wow, it’s so helpful to understand, first of all, that I’m not alone, that there’s nothing wrong with me.
My brain is working, everything’s okay, and it is possible to evolve out of it. And when I talk about the fixed and perfectionist mindset and the growth mindset, it’s really important to see that as being on a spectrum because one of the biggest things we do with the growth mindset, if you have a fixed mindset, is you’re like, I want to be in the growth mindset right away. There’s this real urgency because we think we have to achieve that and get that accomplishment to be good enough. And we’re not willing to have it be this messy journey. But if you can have a growth mindset about getting into a growth mindset and be like, this is a process and it’s going to take a little bit of time and repetition to reprogram my mind. It’s going to take some effort to learn how to show up in a way where I am actually kind to myself. I am forgiving, but something I really wanted to mention to you about being kind to yourself.
That doesn’t mean that you always give in to instant gratification, and that you’re never following your plans, and that you just live in the moment. As in you never actually live the life your higher self would plan out for you. You’re just like, no, I’m just going to do whatever I feel like. And that’s really kind because if you think about it, that’s not actually what being kind or compassionate to yourself is. If you’re like, oh, I’m going to be kind to this child that I’m raising. I don’t have kids, but just taking this as an example and they say, oh my God, I want a lolly. Or if you’re not in Australia, candy. Um, I give me lolly, give me a lolly.
And if you’re being kind to that child, would you say yes every time? Or would you say, hey, I know you can’t see this, but it’s actually not in your best interest to have that every time you want it. Like when we’re kind to ourselves, it’s actually being like, hey, we’re not going to do that. Like when we’re kind to ourselves, we can actually say no to ourselves and we can really think about the future self, like what our future self wants for us and our higher self, and plan things ahead of time and follow through with our plans and really be willing to do things that are uncomfortable, do the hard things that will create the life that we want. Instead of thinking that self-kindness and self-compassion means letting ourselves off the hook, it doesn’t actually mean that at all. It really means a lot of times like holding ourselves to a certain standard and integrity.
I’m not talking about with perfectionism. We have these insanely high standards that we never have any chance of living up to, and we go, well, fuck it, I can never do that. So I’m just not going to try at all. But instead, to have integrity with ourselves and to really encourage that compassion and showing up and doing the best we can, and praising ourselves for putting in an effort and praising ourselves for being courageous and praising ourselves for giving it a go, and really getting that satisfaction from the journey and from the process and from the evolution, rather than believing, as we do when we’re in the perfectionist mindset, I’ll feel better when I achieve this certain result. Then, of course, we achieve the result.
By the time we get there, it’s we completely diminish it in our own minds and we say, actually, no, it’s this next thing, it’s this next thing, it’s this next thing. And we barely like we don’t ever appreciate what we have, so we don’t appreciate what we get either. That’s a really interesting thing about perfection, is being scared to let go of this mindset because they’ll be less successful, but perfectionists don’t enjoy their success. They barely even experience their success because they achieve something in their already telling themselves, well, that isn’t good enough. I need to do this next thing, and I’m going to feel so good when I get there. And I can see in PGSD.
So many of you guys are saying, oh, my life will be better when I achieve this impossible goal. But it’s really about understanding that your life will be better when you can enjoy that process and let it be okay that you might not achieve it, but you’re going to strive towards it anyway because of the byproducts that come from effort and resilience and practicing being determined and practicing being committed. And if you can appreciate where you are at every step along that journey, then you will also be able to appreciate when you achieve the goal. But when we’re like, oh no, I can’t let myself feel happy until I’m successful because if I let myself feel happy, I won’t be successful and I won’t be able to feel happy in the future. But we literally deny ourselves happiness by thinking that way.
We never actually appreciate what we have, which means we never appreciate what we get either. And then we end up living this very unsatisfying life where we are actually achieving things and do have that opportunity to get that sense of accomplishment. But we deny ourselves of that because we think it’s motivational to not praise ourselves. When if you think about how we talk to a friend or encourage a friend, we are kind to them and we say, keep going. This is amazing. You should be proud of yourself. And yet we think that if we say that to ourselves, we’ll just sit on the couch and do nothing. Like it makes no sense, but we’ve just been conditioned and have had those thoughts so many times that the best motivator is guilt and punishment, and I need to feel bad in order to then make myself feel good in the future, which obviously is backwards and makes no sense.
But I’m not saying there’s a problem with having that set of beliefs. It’s just important to see like there’s nothing to be ashamed about. There’s nothing wrong with me, and I’m gonna work on the process of having different kinds of thoughts and seeing how that impacts my experience of life and the contribution that I can make, and to be persistent for the sake of being persistent and showing up and really putting an effort into your life. Because when we have the perfectionist mindset and the fear of wasting effort, like we don’t get to save up the effort and use it tomorrow, like any unused effort for today, we get a certain amount of effort that we can put into each day.
And in the growth mindset, you can really begin believing that there is no such thing as wasted effort, that there’s always a benefit from putting an effort in because you’re learning and growing and evolving and you don’t get to save effort up and then okay, well, you know, next year I’m going to use all of this saved effort and put in extra effort to something else like, no, but the reason perfectionists don’t want to waste effort is because they see putting in an effort as a sign that they’re lacking in that natural talent, ability and intelligence.
So hopefully this episode has given you a bit more insight into the perfectionist mindset, some of the misconceptions around it, why I’m teaching, how to create a growth mindset, but it’s really important that you don’t feel ashamed about being a perfectionist, having this mindset that you can see it as just a set of beliefs, beliefs that can be changed. And obviously you’re not alone because I have been working on evolving out of that mindset and creating a growth mindset, as have thousands and thousands of other women. And at the business workshops that I recently did, it was just so incredible to have them all share, like when we did the journaling exercises to have them share what thoughts they were having. And initially they were a bit hesitant to share, but when they did, it was like, okay, wait, we’re all kind of thinking the same thing.
It’s also so empowering to see that because you’re like, well, no, why would you ever think you’re not good enough? And yet you can see they’re having the same thoughts. And maybe that means it actually isn’t true what they’re thinking. So maybe that means it isn’t true what you’re thinking either. So anyway, I just wanted to share those misconceptions. So perfection is the perfect people. Perfectionism makes you more successful. Listen to episode fifty seven for more information on that. If you’re still like, oh, but I still want to be successful. I don’t want to be an underachiever. Um, there’s something wrong with me if I’m a perfectionist and it means I’m broken. And also the fourth one is once a perfectionist, always a perfectionist. So everything will be linked up for you at the show notes. Samlaurabrown.com/episode132, I will talk to you next time. Bye.
Outro
If you struggle to build your business due to procrastination or overthinking, or maybe you keep burning yourself out, I want to invite you to join my program, Perfectionist Getting Shit Done. Inside, I will teach you my proven process for getting shit done as a perfectionist entrepreneur. In case you didn’t know, perfectionists can’t follow the same productivity advice as everyone else.
When we do, we get in our own way. So let me teach you what works inside the program. It’s simple and anyone can learn.
To sign up today, visit samlaurabrown.com/pgsd. I’ll see you inside.