Episode 459: Creating The Emotional Capacity To Get Shit Done

Two of my clients inside my program Perfectionists Getting Shit Done (aka PGSD) have given me permission to share this coaching call excerpt with you. In this call we are talking about emotional capacity and how to expand your emotional capacity so that you can do the things you need to do to build your business. If you resist and avoid doing things that are uncomfortable, this is for you.

When it comes to taking action we perfectionists get really frustrated when we have all of the knowledge but we aren’t able to do the things we need to do. Why aren’t we able to follow through? Because there is a difference between your knowledge and what you’re physically capable of doing (e.g. typing words on a computer) and your ability to experience the uncomfortable emotions that are required to get shit done.

Inside PGSD we support you fully with getting out of your own way and this call is a great example of some of the mindset and emotional work required to become someone who is taking consistent action towards their business goals without burning out.

If you find this episode helpful I want to invite you inside my program Perfectionists Getting Shit Done. We have just opened enrollment at the time of this episode being released and I will be teaching a live bonus workshop to those inside PGSD called Your First Power Hour to help you start Power Planning. It’s happening this Sunday 21 April at 7pm New York Time. To find out more about the program and sign up visit samlaurabrown.com/pgsd.

Find the full episode transcript and show notes at samlaurabrown.com/episode459.

In This Episode You’ll Learn:

  • How to deal with overwhelm about the amount of work you have to do
  • Allowing and generating feelings so getting out of your own way feels safe
  • How to untangle your worthiness from your capability
  • Increasing your mental and emotional capacity to execute your plans

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FULL EPISODE TRANSCRIPT

Introduction
Hi and welcome to another episode of The Perfectionism Project, a podcast full of perfectionism advice for entrepreneurs. My name is Sam Laura Brown, I help entrepreneurs release their perfectionism handbrake so they can get out of their own way and build a fulfilling and profitable business. I’m the founder of the Perfectionist Getting Shit Done group coaching program, which is otherwise known as PGSD. And for even more perfectionism advice to help you with your business. You can follow me on Instagram @perfectionismproject

Sam Laura Brown (custom intro)
I am so excited to be sharing with you what I am going to be sharing today. So two of my clients inside my program perfectionist getting shit done, have given me permission to share this coaching call with you. So the call is actually a little bit longer than what I’m going to share. But I just really wanted to share this section, where we talked about emotional capacity, and how to create an expanded emotional capacity for yourself. So that you can do the things you need to do to build your business. When it comes to taking action. A lot of perfectionist, we get really frustrated, because especially if you are someone who is smart, maybe you have a college or university degree, maybe you have a really successful job, or you’re doing really well in other areas of your life, or you got straight A’s in school, and you get to business, and you know all the things like you have all the knowledge you love learning, and yet you aren’t able to actually do the things you need to do and you’re not able to do them consistently at the level that you want to be able to do them, like, why is that? It’s because there is a difference, and we go into it in this call.

But there is a difference between your knowledge, what you are physically capable of doing like typing things into your computer, and your emotional capacity to experience the discomfort like your ability to be with and process the uncomfortable emotions that are required to do the things you need to do if you don’t have that emotional capacity and ability, you won’t be able to get shit done. No matter if you have the perfect strategy. If you have the most beautiful branding. If you know the things if you don’t have the emotional ability to be with the feelings required to put yourself out there to put your ideas and your work and your face out into the world. You just simply won’t do it. You will procrastinate you will overthink you will do everything you can to get in your own way. So inside perfectionist getting shit done, we are all about getting you out of your own way.

We use power planning to do that. And there are other concepts and tools that we teach inside PGSD. And you start doing self coaching. Like we support you fully with getting out of your own way. And I think this call is just such a great example of some of the work that is required to be done. In order to get out of your own way we go into specifics I coach two PGSDers on this. And I love group coaching as well like this format, because you’ll see in this call that the first person that I coach, Ann, that I am then able to take that coaching that we gave and go even deeper on it when I coached Laura. So instead of if I was doing for example, one on one coaching and having to start from scratch with Laura or not even having those insights to pull from that came out through that coaching with Ann, were able to actually go deeper and get a more thorough understanding that can then be practically applied when it comes to getting out of your own way.

So I hope you find this call. Incredibly helpful. And if you do enjoy and find it helpful to listen to this call, I really want to invite you to join us inside perfectionist getting shit done. So at the time this episode is going out we will have literally just open enrollment for Perfectionist Getting Shit Done which I am so excited to share. And I want to invite you inside to do this work to learn how to plan properly as a perfectionist to learn how to self coach to learn how to troubleshoot failures, you don’t have to keep being scared of things not working. When you know how to troubleshoot, you will never be at a loss for what to do. I really want to teach you that foundational mindset work to release your perfectionism handbrake and something I don’t know if you follow the same people that I do on social media, but somebody that I’ve seen recently this past week, or a few creators who have very large followings and who have been very successful in their businesses, who have come out and said they are struggling so much with perfectionism, and they are stopping themselves from posting.

And I’ve just found it so interesting and also like just so fulfilling in a sense, and that maybe sounds weird to say it in that way. But basically like the work that we do in PGSD matters so much, because there’s no amount of followers or money that will solve the perfectionist thoughts for you and get rid of them. There’s no amount of time off if you want to take a sabbatical and kind of escape all the pressure that you’ve been putting on yourself like that will be a short term solution, but it won’t work long term because you need to change change your mindset, you need to change the way that you operate, you need to change that your relationship with yourself. And I love that in PGSD we teach you how to do that in a really practical way. With power planning that becomes your tool for self awareness and productivity. It allows you to do self coaching, inside PGSD as well.

We introduce you to how to do self coaching, you also get to be coached yourself, you get all the personalized support that you could need. And also just through watching others getting coached either if you’re there with us live on the call, or if you’re listening to the replays on the PGSD private podcast, you will learn and pick up how to coach yourself. So no matter what time of day you are getting in your own way, you will be able to get back out of your own way. And you will be able to be kind and compassionate and gentle with yourself throughout that process so that you don’t delay it and slow it down. When we are beating ourselves up. We only get in our own way for longer and only becomes harder to overcome. So inside perfectionist getting shit done, you are going to learn how to get out of your own way. We have had over 1000 perfectionist entrepreneurs go through the program, who have been able to do power planning and apply it to their unique circumstances regardless of whether they have a full time job, or a health condition or if they are pregnant or postpartum.

And as you might know, if you’ve been a listener for a while, I have been through two pregnancies and then postpartum with Lydia and then with the twins, I have had a full time job while building my business. I’ve had a part time job while building my business. I have been through a lot of different experiences myself. And also now I’ve coached so many perfectionist entrepreneurs who have so much uncertainty and they’re weak for all kinds of different reasons. I have coached and helped power planning work for neurodivergent perfectionist as well. The tools and principles that we teach inside PGSD are really supportive of that they are supportive of your brain in general, and will help you release your perfectionism handbrake and those perfectionist thoughts that are making you get in your own way. So that even though you know what you need to do, you aren’t able to do it. So yeah, I want to invite you inside the doors are now open. So you can go to samlaurabrown.com/pgsd to sign up. If you have any questions about the program, you can email support@samlaurabrown.com.

And I also want to make sure you know that this Sunday at 7pm, New York Times the 21st of April, I’m going to be teaching a live workshop called your first power hour. So your Power Hour is the first step in power planning. And you’re gonna be planning out your week in your digital calendar, iCal, Google Calendar, in a way that actually works for your perfectionist brain, so you can calm it down. And then it’s easy to actually show up and follow through with the things the important things that you need to do to build your business and in this workshop is going to be about two hours. And I’m going to guide you through in a really simple and doable way, the power hour process so that you can plan out your week, even if you have a lot of uncertainty in your week. And even if your past self has really been procrastinating on things and you have a long endless to do lists to wrangle. Or maybe you’re just someone who has an endless list of ideas, or maybe you don’t have that much time to work on your business. And so there’s just more to do than you have time for. Let me help you solve that. Because if you’re an entrepreneur, we think like, well, if I just have more time, I could do it all. No!

No matter how much time you have, there will always be more to do than the amount of hours in a day you need to learn how to trust yourself and tell what’s important versus what isn’t. That’s what I’m going to teach you how to do in this workshop. Come as you are you don’t have to do any pre work before you join me for this workshop. And we will plan out next week. So you will be planning properly as a perfectionist. And then you just have to aim for about 80% follow through and then you’ll be resting without guilt and over time you will develop and expand your emotional capacity so you will be able to get more done and higher quality work in less time without overthinking without procrastinating because of the emotional work that is done alongside the work when it comes to productivity and all of that classic productivity stuff. But like if you’ve got the knowledge, you’re a smart cookie you know what you need to do but you’re not doing it. It’s the stuff we talk about inside PGSD and in this coaching call it replay that I’m sharing with you. That is your work. So I hope you enjoy it. I hope to see you inside perfectionists getting shit done as well.

Sam Laura Brown (start of the coaching)
Where are you getting in your own way right now, when it comes to your business? I see a few knowing nods and smiles. So that’s what I want to coach you on, obviously like that a lot of what we’re doing here is getting you out of your own way. And so a really simple question that you can be asking yourself in your self coaching is, where am I getting in my own way right now? And we also, on the flip side, want to be looking at where am I happy with how I’m showing up? And like, we want to make sure we’re not just looking at what’s not working. But a great question is, Where am I getting a move away right now? So let’s share it. Let’s celebrate it. Okay, Ann.

Ann
Hi, sorry, it’s been ages, since I’ve been on a call. It’s been ages since I’ve been power planning and stuff properly. The last kind of like three or four months, I’ve been really struggling. And part of it will it kind of started because my workload just exploded. And then I kind of let it just get out of control. And you get to a place of to be under planning. And just avoiding kind of looking at everything and taking stock on purpose. So that, um, I don’t know, I think I’ve been reflecting on a little bit lately. And I think I kind of like wanted to keep myself busy and chaotic is a kind of excuse for why I was like, failing to meet deadlines and letting people down and stuff like that, like, it’s kind of gotten to a point where like, I’ve pushed my boundary of what last minute, is so far beyond what I ever thought I would like.

And, you know, I used to get to a point where I’d get some level of like, fear or panic, that would kick me into gear. And now that just keeps getting like pushed further and further and further. So I’m still just like, not getting myself motivated to get on top of things. But so that’s part of the problem. I think the under planning part of the problem as well is, so my business area is growing, and I’m taking on more responsibility in leadership and, and management. And I’ve still let myself be caught up in a lot of project delivery work. And so I don’t know whether part of that is like me trying to keep myself small and trying to kind of like, sabotage myself and get in the way of the business growing further. But like I’m become aware of some of that stuff now. And I’m still struggling to kind of move past being so wrapped up in doing work and reaching out for you know, delegating more and reaching out for help. And I think I’m still struggling. So that’s how I’ve been getting in my own way.

Sam Laura Brown
Tell me a bit more about when you said your workload exploded.

Ann
So it was kind of like a long time coming things. So a lot of the projects I work on, I work mostly in construction, and we do these sustainability ratings. And they’re huge pieces of work with, like lonely times, generally. And two of the projects I’m working on came to the point where these ratings needs to be finalized, same time. And so I’ve done like, three of these back to back in October. And so it was just the case that like it, it came down to crunch time they had to be done. And there was a significant volume of work that needed to be done for all of them. And it’s something I could have prevented like I could have probably put in measures to stop things earlier and you know, delegating things earlier and things like that. And I think part of the problem there is probably a bit of avoidance of wanting to face that volume of work as well.

Sam Laura Brown
When you think the thought there’s a significant volume of work that needs to be done. Because I’m sure we’ve all thought some days and like even if it’s not this external kind of like oh, there’s these products like that we kind of can explode our workload ourselves by just expectations and oh no, I have to do this this way. And this needs to be like this. So when you think that thought, what’s the feeling that you have in your body? In a one one feeling.

Ann
like a kind of crushing heat feeling like that real overwhelmed like this is makes me kind of want to go inwards? Like Yep.

Sam Laura Brown
And then so you shared some of the things like some of the actions you took from that place. But when you’re feeling overwhelmed, because you’re thinking there’s significant volume of work to do. And in this case relating to like there are two projects during the same time, like with the deadline or whatever. But how did that show up in terms of your actions? What actions did you take and actions didn’t you take?

Ann
I fell back into patterns I used to do in these sorts of situations where I would like always self that I would get up early to try and get on top of things stay up late to try and get on top of things. So my sleep patterns went out the window. Oftentimes, when I was getting up early to do things like that, I would end up just like falling back to sleep or scrolling pages, not getting started kind of thing. So it would end up being that like, I probably still only less myself, like my regular work day to get things done. But then in my head, I was feeling like I’d been working so much harder, because I was so much more tired. Because of these other things like these other reasons. Everything just felt incredibly chaotic. I kept kind of getting sick because of it, like little colds here and there, because I was so exhausted. And I was still doing a lot of avoidance. So even when it came down to like actually getting the work done, I was still looking for the easy work and the quick, I just gotta get on top of my emails, just got to take these phone calls from my team to avoid actually getting into the thick of it.

Sam Laura Brown
And what didn’t you do? Or what else didn’t you do when you’re feeling overwhelmed? Because you’re thinking there’s a significant volume of work to be done. And I want to really highlight before you answer that, I want to find out what, because it just really seems like the fact. But it is our interpretation, and it does tend to create overwhelm. And so when we are having like, Oh no, there’s just a significant volume of work to be done. For some of us that will create a different feeling than overwhelming our body. So for everyone should just try it on for yourself and see. But for a lot of us it is that feeling of overwhelmed, and feeling incapable. And then it doesn’t help us behavioral. So you do or what?

Ann
I didn’t reach out to my team. What I would say early enough, like I kept doing that thing where I’m like, I’ve let this get so big and like it’s so late in the day. So I just can’t like I can’t reach out now to delegate because it’s too late, even though it never is. And I know that intellectually, but I think I felt so ashamed that kind of I’d let this situation evolve. And so then I didn’t want to like pull anyone else into it and have them have to be like stressed and overwhelmed, even though that might not be how they react to it. But that was the thing I didn’t do until I did and then it was fine. But yeah.

Sam Laura Brown
So what would you say as it relates to those projects that you had, and you had the thought there’s a significant volume of work that needs to be done, you felt overwhelmed, you got up early, stayed up, lay, out asleep scrolled, didn’t take care of yourself, did the easy work, didn’t reach out to your team, as early as you could have? What was the result of that?

Ann
It meant having to do quite a large volume of work in a shorter amount of time than I would have liked. And I did end up having to like significant volumes of work.

Sam Laura Brown
Like our thoughts show up in like, like, we create that results. It’s that self fulfilling prophecy. I’m like, how much work to do? We like conduct ourselves in a way that makes it really feel like there’s so much work to do. And then are kind of like, oh, there was just a significant volume, like how you present. It’s just a significant volume. And what we want to look at is how else could we approach it because either right now or in the future of everyone, there are times where there’s shit to get done. And we can choose a thought like there’s a significant volume of work to do or a story or something else. And so we wanted us to look at like, what that is, and it can be really subtle, but I’m curious as well, when you said you did reach out to a team to delegate. What thought had you doing that? Like was that? Like, I guess it’s like behavior that was helpful. But was that part of you feeling overwhelmed, like oh, well, I’m really just like at my complete and utter limit, and I have to get help now.

Ann
Yeah, kind of like that desperation and also, like, the way I was working people could see that I was struggling and so a lot of my team actually was like telling me to give them stuff to help with, which I hate that too. I don’t want them to, like, you know, feel like they have to manage me. But I mean, it’s lovely. But yeah.

Sam Laura Brown
You think that they could hey I’d be doing work on my lease like this idea of being like, try to be so low maintenance and self sufficient, and how that actually makes me high maintenance. Like in this situation, then it’s like people are like, I have to help you because she was talking to me so much. Like, no I got it. They’re like, No, let me help you instead of like, when I’m like seeing that and knowing like asking for more and receiving more support, that it’s like, I’m actually much more low maintenance, when I’m being cared for them. I’m you cared for I’m really high maintenance. So.

Ann
These contradictions. It’s so funny, and the way we like manifest, like not manufacture these situations that just reinforce our beliefs.

Sam Laura Brown
So what I’m gonna offer here, I guess, is, is three things. And I’ve really been working on this as well like that emotional capacity side of things and like being willing to feel and allow certain feelings and generate certain feelings as well. And so I think that answer it in terms of like, what would that different story be around like when there is work to be done? That your brain might want to tell you is a significant volume? What feelings do you need to allow to be there? And What feelings do you need to generate? I can offer some suggestions. But what comes up for you when you think about like, is there a specific project at the moment or anything you’ve got going on that seems like as a significant volume of work?

Ann
Yeah, there’s a few. And collectively, yeah.

Sam Laura Brown
So if we look at like, the circumstance of your current workload, with what feelings you need to allow, what comes up for you, I can share more if you need more hours willing comes up to you, and what do you need to allow in order to complete that in your ideal working hours to a high standard?

Ann
I think you said something about capability before and I think that definitely one like reminding myself, I am capable, like, all the work I’ve got on my plate is not stuff I like I know how to do it. It might feel like a large amount and overwhelming but I know how to do work.

Sam Laura Brown
So this is an interesting question. But for you does that feeling of being like a capability? Feeling capable? Does that feel like a feeling you need to allow as in like that feeling is there but you’re not actually like letting it be there? Or is it a feeling that you need to generate?

Ann
I think it’s there and I just like, sorry, tap into it. Because I kind of feel the overwhelm feelings, and then I kind of shut down from feeling anything else. So yeah, it’s not super difficult for me to kind of like, tap into that. Yeah, thankfully, now. Okay, I’m trying to get to it.

Sam Laura Brown
You need to allow.

Ann
I’ve got a lot of hang ups about time and like having enough time, and oh, my computer did something funny. So reminding myself that there isn’t there’s enough time, I think.

Sam Laura Brown
Okay, so a second with the ones to generate, but in terms of allowing so for example, it’s like you might need to allow as Oh, essentially, another way to look at is like, what feelings you need to stop resisting or stop, can I push your way we procrastinate and push things off. And like all of that kind of thing, where I’m really just trying to avoid a certain feeling. All right. So it’s like, what are these feelings that are out there that you’ve been trying to avoid? So for example, it might be if someone’s like, showing up and selling things, and putting themselves out there. It’s like the feeling of being rejected, unwanted, like, those kind of feelings. There’s like, it could be positive feelings as well. Like for a lot of us, I think, we feel capable quite easily. But then when we feel capable, we’re like, oh, I’m used to not feeling capable. So what’s to get me back into feeling overwhelmed and incapable, even though it’s like, capable is our natural state and then we’re like, oh, no, wait, then, like, everything’s a bit too calm. So I need to forget about that. So when it comes to allowing, it’s like, what feelings do you need to stop resisting and let come along for the ride and it doesn’t mean you need to work from those feelings but like, what feelings you need to perhaps process, sit with kind of like, if you imagine you’re driving along, like allow them to be in the backseat.

Ann
And I’ve got a lot of hang ups at the moment about like, disappointing people, things that are overdue and like, just wanting to avoid that, even though that there makes things worse. So like, sitting with the fact that things are overdue, and people saw the end of the world, like, could we find anything?

Sam Laura Brown
So what is that feeling for you when you disappoint someone we want to look at like, it might actually, like, let’s go to the place where it is the end of the world. And they are severely disappointed. Because like, oh, no, it’s fine. It’s fine. What if it’s not fine? That’s like, what would you then push against? Yeah. And I think, you know, really should job at that like you okay? (inaudible). But for you, what do you have? If someone’s like, You have disappointed me? Like, what is that feeling? And then it might be like, a few different ones. If you really like explore it. But yeah, good points. When someone tells you, I’m disappointed in you, you let me down. And this is actually the end of the world, whatever. What feeling do you have?

Ann
It’s like the worst. Like, the worst thing to me. So like, I think a lot of my perfectionism issues are wrapped up in like, people pleasing and wanting people to be like, happy and me doing a good job and getting ticks and the praise. So like, it would feel like, I don’t know, complete failure is, somebody came to me and said, I’m really disappointed. And you’ve done and watch.

Sam Laura Brown
What does complete failure feel like because that’s, I’ve completely failed is a thought, but like, isn’t a feeling.

Ann
I really struggle with thoughts and feelings thing. Do you mean like physical feeling in my body or like emotional feeling?

Sam Laura Brown
Things like, ashamed. So for example, when you think, you might feel devastated. Or you might feel horrified. Or you might like, when you think what I’ve completely failed. And it could be that like, failure is like you feel like a failure. But a lot of us perfectionist, we live in our heads so much and not in our bodies, it doesn’t feel safe to be in our bodies and feeling our feelings that we like, we say, Oh, I feel that it it. And it’s actually like, the thought and not like the actual feeling because we don’t even want to like, get close. And it’s so comfortable work, to start looking at those feelings and feeling those feelings. And a lot of times we don’t even know how we’d feel if we disappointed someone because we’re so busy, and so adamant and so good at like pushing against and avoiding that feeling that like devastated, ashamed, whatever. When you have the thought, I’ve completely failed, it could be heartbroken, but like, what is that feeling? That’s really you should not wanting to experience.

Ann
A word that just came out of my mouth the other day, when I was talking about this to a friend was the word useless. I feel so useless. And that is something that kind of comes up a little bit like useless, worthless, like it gets. I mean, I know that sounds really like dramatic. I think deep down, that’s kind of where I go. Like I think I, I do a lot of stuff in my life to be useful like to people and things like that as a way of kind of like, being useful and being loved. And like Yeah, so like, unless I’m useful. I’m not lovable, that kind of thing. So I think a lot of my people pleasing comes from that space.

Sam Laura Brown
Yeah. So it’s also like, this is the most interesting thing to me about people pleasing, spoken to someone who like, tends to operate that way as well and has to do a lot of work on it is that the same with like, the high and low maintenance thing, like when I’m trying to people, please, it doesn’t actually work. And it might be like that, like, it seems like it is. But it actually isn’t really creating the the result like those when you were in that people pleasing with these projects, it didn’t create the result that is their disappointment. There’s not the end of the world. So isn’t that bad, but it’s like, it doesn’t actually have us doing the things and like clean way. And so we don’t actually create the result that the other person is pleased. And we’re definitely not pleased with ourselves. Yes, with ourselves, so there’s no amount of like love from the outside that will compensate for us not liking how we’re showing up. Yeah, operating in a way that isn’t we’re in line with our values, or we feel like we’re doing things at our own expense.

Like we can’t actually even receive the love that others might be feeling for us if we’re operating from that place, so you might need to be willing to allow a feeling of feeling useless, worthless and like for some as well with feeling ashamed like it might be because that’s in the same category then like it might be those words that resonate more so it’s like getting in tune with as well like what those feelings feel like for you what that is, but so you like being willing to allow, like, the feeling of useless to, like be in the backseat. But like, but it’s like, it’s once we start wrestling with it and just allow that feeling to be that it’s not actually so bad, but it’s just like, wrestle with it. It’s so exhausting and like just only makes it worse and we feel more useless because then we’re not actually showing up in the way we want to. So what are the feelings are there that you’ve been kind of like, racing or pushing against? I think I can sentences and then we can get to the feeling that might be there.

Ann
I think even though I said like, Hey, cool is something I can access. I think something also bites me is like, I don’t know, I’m an outsider, it’s my job. Like, I know, I shouldn’t be in this role. That kind of thing. No, that’s kind of like a thought. But um, but really, and there is a constant wrestle between sometimes feeling really incapable and sometimes being like, no, no, I’m capable, it’s fine. Like, that kind of goes back and forth. So.

Sam Laura Brown
And is that same thing? How it’s like, oh, it’s not the end of the world? Is it? Like, it’s like, because we just don’t want like that feeling of like, actually being with that feeling of inadequate or whatever that and feel. It’s so unclear to like, no, no, no, I am I am, I’m fine. I’m fine. But when it’s like, being able to even just say like, sometimes I’m like, in this moment, I feel inadequate. I’m feeling inadequate. In this moment, instead of like, no, no, I like give myself a little pep talk.

Ann
And, like, show for it.

Sam Laura Brown
Like, be with that feeling and like, process it. And whenever it’s so much more powerful, then we’re like, racing against it and trying to convince ourselves out of it. Like, the human condition is like, these thoughts aren’t going anywhere. And so if we can actually change our relationship with them, instead of trying to like if we use a car analogy, like trying to keep them out of the car, and then drive and like, go out, like, like, trying to get them away, to just actually like, get you can be here. And I’m going to be focused on driving. And yes, you’re really annoying, but you’ll find to be here. Because, like people pleasing, you know, like doing a great project that can ultimately like really, like our brains are just wired to think that so that we keep like staying in the community and like, doing the things we need to do is to survive. Yeah. But it means being willing to feel inadequate and useless. Then we’re like, oh, no, no, I need to be really busy doing that, like, from those feelings, if I resisting them.

So if, for example, a feeling that you or anyone else is having is resistance. It’s really interesting to look at that because that is like what feeling are we resisting? When we just feel like we’re this day. And if we can go into like, allowance. Does that mean we need to now like act from that place of feeling inadequate, but just like being with it, and then that’s when we can actually generate the emotion we want to generate, to do the things we want to do, whether that’s like Courage, capability, commitment, but if we’re just like, wrestling constantly against like, trying to not be inadequate, which really like perfectionism is all just us trying to wait feeling that way. That’s when we’re really able to like shift into that close minded way and have a much better training, do higher quality work as well do it in the timeframe. But it is scary to our brains because it has worked so well. According to our brain to do the people pleasing to do all the things we’ve been doing. Are there any other feelings you’d need to allow they might not be as like negative so to speak or like big as always ones but are there any like other feelings that you don’t want to feel that you might need to just allow it to come along?

Ann
Nothing immediately coming to mind. They all come in, they all kind of get boiled down on a core inadequacy useless.

Sam Laura Brown
Yeah, and what I’m after this call is for you to also explore because we’ll go into the generating one but you also explore what positive feelings you need to allow because a lot of times like ease and these different feelings that we resist against those as well because they feel a little too calm, a little not chaotic enough. So generating like let’s say, you have your workload and you’re willing to feel inadequate, disappointing and capable, worthless, useless, like you’re willing to actually find out, that might be the case, so to speak, to actually, like, show up and try to do your best. And then actually, you couldn’t do it very well. So if you allow that to be there, what feelings would you need to generate in order to get your outcomes of your workload complete? In your ideal working now is in taking care of yourself? What would you need to generate?

Ann
Still stuck between the lack thoughts and feelings thing, but not linger around? Like it’s okay to get help on it. You don’t know what that is, in terms of feeling. But…

Sam Laura Brown
Can I offer you that? Yeah. Well, for me when I have done this work, feeling supported. Yeah. And that goes, like, supported by myself. And not like working against myself and doing shit that’s not sustainable and then supported by others. So that is like one option there in terms of feeling supported…

Ann
That really resonate, I like that. What else? The capable stuff, I guess comes up again, like, allowing myself to feel like I am good at what I do, like, is there one, I guess, worthy, I’m trying not to say the opposite of what I’ve said, in the first part, but like…

Sam Laura Brown
It’s like what I just wrote down as well is like, this is kind of the the like, almost like the thought that encapsulates everything that we’ve been talking about, which is like, I’m good at what I do, but it’s okay. If I’m not. As it might, because we want to be like, but I’m good at what I do. And so I’m never gonna not be like, if I just do it, then I’ll be good at it. And I’ll get all the approval. It’s like, I’m capable, and skilled, and resourceful, and like all these different things that like fall under that umbrella, like good at what I do. And it’s okay, if I’m not, I’m okay, if I’m like, and I’m willing to be open to the reality that my skills are lacking in some area of my resourcefulness is lacking in some area. My intelligence is lacking in some area. I’m willing to find that out. And I believe in my capability, but not from this place of like, and that’s, it’s kind of that fixed minded approach of like, and that’s that. And so now, I don’t want to do anything that might prove that wrong, where like, I deeply believe in my capability. And I’m deeply okay with finding out there are places in areas where I’m not fully capable yet.

Ann
Yeah. I like that. Because I do, I do struggle accepting that there are things that I’m just not that good at. And that’s why we have, you know, teams of people that help us and that sort of thing. And, yeah, I think that is kind of the crux of it.

Sam Laura Brown
And I’m guessing you would identify as like loving learning and like self improvement, and all of that kind of thing. Yes. Self improvement actually is, like, I’m willing to see why I’m currently like, lacking, and not from a place of, I’m broken. I’m like, my mum call and I need to fix this so that I can be loved. But from a place of like, just pure skill set of like, yeah, if I haven’t, like, for example, like, played basketball before, like, I’m not gonna be skilled at basketball, where we like, I should be better. Like, I should be more skilled, and I should have skills that I haven’t practiced, or I should have skills that I haven’t developed or haven’t had enough practice at developing yet. Like, it doesn’t make sense when we use skills. And I’ve noticed so much that so often, like with my kids, and like, we’re like, oh, well, like that was so good. And like using that word good. And when I have to do, I thought to not say good. The main word is like, Oh, you’re so skilled that, like, you’re getting so skilled and pouring that the water, and it brings it back to like skills and skill sets versus like, goodness. And if you’re not good, you’re bad. I mean, it’s so obvious with kids because they come out and like she definitely couldn’t pull water when she was born. And now she can like because you develop the skill not because you are inherently capable of pouring water and like you are worthy of pouring water. Like you just actually learn how to pour water because you’ve primed it. I wouldn’t show you how to do it, you gave it a go. You got water everywhere. She still gets water everywhere. But she’s getting really skilled at it.

So it’s like when we have that approach to our work, which unfortunately, like we didn’t get taught it that way in school that it’s kind of like you’re so intelligent, smart, and yeah, you’re amazing. And that means you should be good at everything now. And once your skilled that’s it, you pass the end of the line for education, it’s, oh, actually, I’m so willing to see where my skills are lacking and a big part of how I’ve been able to like, move through my recent business experiences. And just like, really finding my feet is looking at everything in terms of like skill sets, not like worthiness. Like there are things I just haven’t practiced enough, I haven’t learned. I’ve got hopefully like 50 plus years left if I’m on, like, I’m okay with there being areas for development. And that means I’m a bad person or I’m unlovable. And it’s like, it takes a lot of time for our brain to like begin entangling that, in terms of like repetition, because it’s so hardwired for a lot of us that, like our love ability is related to like how well we did on a project.

And then by the due date, which like objectively and I love, sorry, I’m talking so much. I love it. It’s really helpful. We’re watching drive to survive the formula one show, like documentary, he really sees into a time, but it’s just so helpful for me to see them get so stressed about how quick they’re racing, the cars are on the track as someone who like find it so interesting, all the mindset stuff. But it’s like he’s saying, like, if they’re thinking like, I’m lovable based on like, how, like, what position if I was like P five, or P six, or whatever, around the track, what position I came in. That’s like how lovable I am. Which of course, I think, because they’re like humans and all that. But objectively, from the outside, it’s like, it doesn’t really matter, like, how fast you drive your car. And my brain is the equivalent of that with my business.

So it’s just like this reminders, you seen them all, like in the pits, and they’re just like, so stressed their mind. Like, because they’re just trying to drive really quick around. And it’s just like, it just calms me down. We were watching it last night it was like, okay, everything’s fine. And then like, someone died, and you’re like, okay, like, perspective shift like that, at but, to just really start to, like language of skill sets. It’s like mindset and skill set and not like worthiness, loveability, or, and that puts us into the growth mind set just by like using that different kind of language like, yeah, that awesome project skill set, you don’t have. Or you’re still developing. It might be disappointing to someone that you haven’t developed those yet. And so you can develop them, but only by being willing to find out what they are. Yeah

Ann
Now that’s really helpful. That perspective is also very helpful.

Sam Laura Brown
And but all of us like this, like, really, last night, particularly. But recently, I’ve been thinking so much about the emotional capacity side of things, and that we’re just how we’re just trying to avoid feeling certain feelings. And when you can increase your emotional capacity and your capability, you’re starting with, well, in the mastermind I’m in like, that is the work because there’s like what you can physically do like we can all go to Instagram and physically type of posts or like or physically talk to a camera or like, write a report, we can all physically like we’re physically capable of the work, but are you emotionally and mentally capable of the work? That is what we’re doing is increasing that mental emotional capability, because we can all type the things and then like, learn the strategies. Do we have the emotional capability of executing that? And it comes down to like allowing those shitty feelings also allowing good feelings for some of us like, it’s more uncomfortable to allow ourselves to feel good.

And we’re more comfortable in those negative emotions, like we feel more comfortable in uselessness, for example than we do and is actually feeling capable. And then courage is one I’ve been doing a lot. Like just like, like figuring out like, what is actually what is courage feel like in my body. Exploring that, like, what thoughts helped me be courageous how I feel after I do something courageous. And I need like, when I’m looking at my power planning, I need to do courageous things. I need a lot more time for rest. I’m, like, wiped out. But if I’m like, Okay, I’m gonna do like, there’s a question in power planning of like, what would you do if you had half the time and twice the courage like, that’s what that’s getting at is like, to be able to have twice the courage, you also do need to have half the time to do it. So you can rest and recharge and your brain can be like, Okay, I can go show up and do this thing. And I know for me, like, I’ve gotten this bushwalks that I’m going to do, and I’m just gonna listen to a podcast I love and not have to be doing anything. It’s not easy, be courageous when I’ve got that coming in versus like, Okay, do this, this, this, this, this is I’m like, No, I’d rather take the long way. Because I’m so mentally exhausted. So I hope that’s helpful.

Ann
Super helpful. Thanks, Sam.

Sam Laura Brown
I know it’s like the work. I’ve always been like, I don’t want to talk about feelings, but it’s the work.
Laura, do you have something to share, do you want your coaching, I know we’ve got 10 minutes or eight minutes.

Laura
Yes, hold on, let me unraise my hand. Okay. You asked in what ways are we standing in our own way. And I realized, and like I’ve been realizing this, since quarter two started for me is that like, at the beginning of the year, I wrote down my list of priorities in order because I did this last fall. And I found it super, super helpful. And so I did that again. And I just realized that like, my calendar is not lining up with the order of priorities that I’ve written for myself. So like, my top two priorities are well represented I, my top priority is my health, my like physical and mental health. And I’m really great at not pushing those things off my calendar, I got priority as grad schools that have like grad application and scholarships, and once school starts coursework, really good about keeping to that as well. It’s where three and four happen, that gets a little bit like confronting. So number three on my list is my online coaching business or full movement. And then number four is pet sitting. But when I look at my calendar, number three is pet sitting. And number four is our movement. And like, so yeah, I don’t know. I don’t really know, like, what guidance or advice or instructions I’m looking for, but yeah, I don’t know, just like, I want another set of eyes on this.

Sam Laura Brown
Yeah, sure. So I think what I went through with, Ann, would be really helpful here. And also in any just for like, around self coaching in any situation where you’re like, you’re getting in your way is like, so what do like, where do I go from here? Like looking at like, okay, What feelings do I need to allow? First of all, like, what’s the outcome I want to create? So with Ann I talked about, like having that work completed to a high standard, in your ideal work hours, and like the outcome, it’s so important, like, I want to underline and highlight the outcome. Because we get really stuck when we’re like, Okay, I have all these activities to do. I mean, like, my little tweaks this morning, I was like, oh, like, actually, if I just focus really hard on the outcome, I can, like, downsize these activities by half to get the same outcome. So we want to be looking at that. But if we get clear about the result that you want to create, and then looking at, okay, what feeling so we need to allow slash stop resisting or stop liking bracing against or bracing for and then what feelings do I need to generate in order to I would suggest, in this case, the not coming once is to prioritize your coaching business over the pet sitting. What would you say? Like the desired outcome is that you want to create?

Laura
Sorry, you kind of cut out there in the first half of your sentence, can you repeat that?

Sam Laura Brown
What’s the outcome that you want to create? Because then we can look at like, okay to be able to do that like to have the emotional capacity to do that. Because you can physically do all the tasks required to do the coaching business stuff. But emotionally, we want to look at what’s required. So what’s the outcome? Is it that you want to prioritize the coaching business over pet sitting? My guess is right now, like you say, yes to pet sitting, and like, Oh, damn, I don’t have enough time to do the coaching stuff. Okay.

Laura
Yeah. Yeah, I’ve been saying yes to pet sitting. Because it’s immediate money. Where as you know, with my, like, online business, like, there’s a lot of building that has to happen before I can start making money. And, like, as I’m saying that I’m kind of realizing that, like, maybe I just, like, need to get more creative with making money faster. And it’s like, you know, I’ve been very, like, committed to the how of like, okay, you know, I need to like, make videos and post them on social media, but it’s like, maybe there is like a better platform for me to find my ideal client, without, like, having to do all of that, like, platform building, because that’s how I get pet sitting clients. I’m on rover, they come to me, like, you know, I don’t post a single damn thing about pet sitting anywhere. Like, I built my profile once people come to me, and I’ve been like, booked solid, like, almost since the day I join. So like, yeah, I don’t know, maybe. Maybe the solution here is I need to like get more creative in that way and see if there’s a comparable kind of platform like that the business.

Sam Laura Brown
So if we just stick to the feeling side of things, because that’s for example, like, like the activity or like tasks is like, okay, I mean to like, yeah, yeah. But if we look at okay, if that’s the case, and let’s say, does your growth goal related to the coaching business?

Laura
Yes.

Sam Laura Brown
If we say your the right outcome, I would say is roughly achieve your quarterly milestone, while still being able to pet sit like you’re not like, and do you just sit in their house? And like, can you work from the house? Or how?

Laura
Yeah, it the thing that I also realized, while I was kind of listening and writing, is that like, part of it is that like, pet sitting requires more like cognitive resources than you might think, because it’s just a lot of calendaring. And it’s like calendaring at all times of day. You know, and so I think like that is part of like, why, you know, when I look at my calendar, it feels like, there’s more like, I have more time in the day than I have energy to do that, like courageous work.

Sam Laura Brown
The good news is you don’t need long, like, in my experience is always the quick stuff. Like, it’s always like, it’s kind of like, if you think of a man to like the direct route, versus like, well, like, I want to just worry even while going that way that the sometimes it the courageous thing is like something that does take a bit of time. Typically, it’s just like picking up the phone or like doing the pose and not like, it’s often just like the quickest thing to do. So it’s completely workable, to not have a lot of time and still be doing the needle mover and courageous things. But if… Because we just have a couple of minutes left, we say that we want to have you having like achieving your growth goal quarterly milestone, what feelings and like continue this after the call, but just at a glance, what feelings would you have to allow to be there that might come up as you like doing? Like the physical movements or whatever required? Yeah, you need to allow and then what feelings would you need to generate so that you do have the emotional capacity to do those courageous things in the time that you do have? I

Laura
think that I need to allow a bit more like uncertainty, because like, what pet sitting provides me a certainty, right? Like, I know that I can rely on a certain amount of money through doing that. And like, the reason why I tend to say yes to things even like pretty last minute is because like, okay, great, even more money that I can count on, right? So I think I need to allow more uncertainty. And then for feelings that I need to generate, I think I need to generate, like faith that is kind of like the flip of that, like faith that if I say no to more pet sitting jobs, or if I like, lock my schedule, so that I’m like not taking last minute jobs anymore. And I can like, go into the week, knowing that there’s not going to be any changes, then that will help.

Sam Laura Brown
Have you looked at changing your ratings for pet sitting?

Laura
I almost doubled my rates at the beginning of the year, it has not slowed down business. So I mean, I could, I could increase them even more.

Sam Laura Brown
To like, if we go back to the outcome I wanting to achieve and like we do want to be able to have, like, widens is like money coming in that if you could see, for example, as well. Okay, I wanting to have X amount of time to do petsitting I mean to do my coaching business, or like I don’t want to have to ever take a last minute job so that I have, like, I just don’t want to do that for whatever reason. What they do, as you said, you’ve already increase your rates before but could I get?

Laura
Yeah, there’s nothing stopping me from raising them again. Yeah, definitely.

Sam Laura Brown
To really like you’re obviously a trusted pet sitter like to see at what point because that’s so valuable, like so, so valuable for people who love and care for their pets. They want a trusted pet sitter. And so it’s like, at what point do the bookings start to slow or do I not get? Yeah, yeah, you can adjust from that. And reduce the price or whatever that looks like, but what like, what could I really create to best support the overall picture that I’m working towards? What feelings would I need to allow in generate in order to like go into rover and type in my new rate, and hit publish? And not go and then like change it. oh, whatever I’ve got, like, get weird about it. So feeling like wait to do that action?

Laura
Yeah, yeah, I think like, yeah, a little bit of courage. But like at this point, I have been on the platform long enough that like, and I have enough like proof of the value that I provide people that like, I don’t have a lot of drama about raising my rates. So I think like, yeah, leaning back into that, because I have that like, kind of curiosity mindset at the beginning of the year of like, I’m going to raise my rates, if business slows down, I’ll drop them. And then business didn’t slow down. So like, I can just do that again, for sure. And then I think also, like, again, going back to like, having faith in myself, something that I have not done is like defined what fully booked looks like for me with pet sitting. And so that means that like things can kind of ballooned out of control if I let them. And so yeah, I think like, the space and the courage to like, sit down and say like, Okay, I want to have this much time in my week to work on my online business, which means that I cannot take on more than this amount with pet sitting so…

Sam Laura Brown
Awesome. I hope this is helpful I think, you know..

Laura
Yes. I know what to do.

Sam Laura Brown
I just want to say as well one last feeling and then we’ll end the call is the feeling one that I love to generate is willing and this is when it’s like yeah, we get I don’t know not to be though I don’t like that kind of like complaining me you know, and I had sometimes like, I don’t want you just like I’m willing, I’m willing to do it. I’m willing. Like that feeling of willingness is already powerful and it doesn’t I like other guys get being willing is like the gateway and like curiosity, and all these things are the gateway to those feelings of like, feeling certain while allowing uncertainty to be there, like all those different things so amazing. Thank you for a great call everyone. I’ll talk to you again soon. Bye.

Outro
I really hope you enjoyed that coaching call replay from inside perfectionist getting shit done. When you sign up for PGSD, you will get instant access to the PGSD, private podcast. And you will get all of the past coaching call replay recordings. If you love listening to podcasts, which you probably do since you are listening to this one right now. Just know that you will be able to listen to coaching calls like that on demand, and we title them so it’s like a normal podcast. So that for example, if you’re feeling overwhelmed, you can scroll and find a coaching call where another perfectionist entrepreneur is getting coached on overwhelmed. Imposter syndrome. Like all the things if you’re a perfectionist entrepreneur, if you can relate to what I talk about on this podcast and especially in this episode, then you’re going to absolutely love perfectionist getting shit done. You’ll have lifetime access to the program so you can work at your own pace. It’s there for you whenever you need it. I really want to invite you inside so you can start getting out of your own way. So samlaurabrown.com/pgsd is where to go to sign up. The doors are now open. I hope to see you inside.


Author: Sam Brown